…by Jan Cosby

Nobody knew you
“Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”
…existed.

Nobody knew you
“It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”
…were real

Nobody knew you
“Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.  It’s all for the best.”
…were perfect.

Nobody knew you
“You can always have another!”
…were unique.

Nobody knew you
“You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”
…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
…but us.

And we will always remember
…You.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Just wanted to let everyone know I will no longer be writing on this blog.  I’m going to be going back to my old blog at www.AccordingToAngela.com

Thanks for reading.

Hi, sweet little Ava.  You’re in Jesus’ arms now, exactly where He wanted you!  Please find Lola and Lolo Ramos, Lola and Lolo Cortez, Uncle Jun, Uncle Monching, Uncle Mala, Auntie Garding, and Uncle Ben.  They will always play with you and take care of you.

Find Keta and Max, too – they wanna play with you, also!

I’ll miss you everyday, and I will never forget you.  If you see me crying, it’s only because I’m happy that you are now in a better place.  You made my life complete, even if you were only here for a little bit.  Mommy and Daddy love you so much.  Come to me in my dreams, sweetheart.  Visit Daddy in his dreams too.  We’re always here for you.

Hey Everyone,Thanks for all your well wishes for Ed and I and our Baby. I am so sad to let you guys know that unfortunately, during my routine checkup yesterday, the doctor discovered that our Baby had no heartbeat anymore. I was made to stay at the hospital from 230 that afternoon until about 2am this morning, because they performed a procedure on me at around 10:30pm. I was 13 weeks along, and now our baby is a little angel in heaven.Everyone keeps telling me I did nothing wrong. The doctor said unfortunately, this happens more often than he’d like to see, and that my symptoms and what happened are nothing new. I felt like slapping him, because this is all new to me and a complete nightmare, but I know he was just trying to make me feel better. We asked what it was, and he said it may have been some genetic disorder (not something inherited) and it was too early to detect it, so realy, nothing could have been done. I wasn’t even due for the tests where they check out all that stuff for another month and a half or so, so I guess there really isn’t anything that could have been done.Why do I feel like the worst person alive? I know there is something I could’ve done. I won’t deny it, I am a complete wreck right now, so if you try to write to me or message me and I don’t get back to you, please give me some time, and I will.

I am so sorry I let everyone down. All the cousins who were ready to be aunties and uncles. Our parents who were ready to be the best grandparents in the world. And especially my siblings – Chris, John, Cathrine, Jay-Ar, and Monique – I am so sorry that I let you guys down. I know you were looking forward to having a niece or nephew.

My heartfelt thanks go out to Audrey. Audrey, when I found out, you were the first person I called – and you were there in 5 minutes. Thanks for crying with me outside the hospital, and for sitting with me on the bench while I cried some more. You were the first person I thought of who would know what to say. And when I just wanted to sit and cry, that’s what you let me do. Your friendship is a blessing and I thank you so much for being there for me when I absolutely needed you the most.

Please pray for Ed and the Baby. Ed has been great throughout this whole thing, and I am having a hard time being strong for him when I can barely stop crying. Please pray for our baby – pray that she finds my grandparents and all my loved ones in heaven so that she or he isn’t alone and knows that they want her or him up there just as much as I wanted her or him down here.

Love always,
Angela

Post by: Mommy Carpio

…I know when I’m beat.  I tried to stick it out as long as I could, but I can’t do it anymore.

I’m gonna have to break down and buy *gulp* maternity pants.

Good thing they make shirts long enough to cover that ugly elastic around the waist!

Post by:  Mommy Carpio

My back hurts.  I’m itchy.  I’m sleepy.  I’m hot.  I have a headache.  I’m lightheaded.  My feet hurt.  I’m hungry, but I’m not.  My fingernails itch right below the surface.  I’m bored.  I have to pee – all the time.  I feel like crap.  I don’t want to do anything except sit down and exist.

But, I’m a whiner, and we all knew that (and if you didn’t know, well, now you know).  Someone wake me up when the baby’s here. 🙂

Post by: Mommy Carpio

I have now found a brand new love of Blueberry Muffins, thanks to you.  I still don’t want milk and that’s thanks to you too, but it’s okay.  I’m taking 4 huge calcium pills every morning to make up for it, so don’t you feel bad about that!  I’ve also been reading Harry Potter (yes, the whole series is done and I am barely starting book 2), and Grandma Leni said I should be reading Dr. Seuss and Disney books, but I think you enjoy Harry Potter as much as I do!  However, I will read that stuff to you when you are actually here, because Grandma Leni read them to me when I was little, and I LOVED them so much (I’m sure you will too!).

Daddy and I got a chance to see you again on Friday.  The midwife said I was doing GREAT with everything, so that was very nice to hear.  She also tried to let us hear your heartbeat, but she couldn’t find it.  So, she had to have a look just to make sure you are okay.  We saw you and you were moving all around my tummy – your legs were kicking up a storm (you’ll need strong legs when you start to dance the hula, so keep kicking! hehe).  I can’t wait to hear your heartbeat and I can’t wait to start feeling you kick, but for now, I am in love with seeing you move around – keep it up 🙂

I can feel you moving further up my stomach – you were very low before, but you’re nearer to my belly button now and I can feel right where you are because my tummy is getting tougher right there.  This is such an exciting time for Daddy and I – we can’t wait for you!!  But, of course, you take your time – we’ll wait until you’re nice and ready.  Daddy even got his new car today – there’s a big trunk to fit your stroller in, and when he took me for a test drive today, I sat in the back to see how it would feel back there with you.  It’s gonna be a comfy ride.

We love you!  God bless you always and please continue to grow healthy and strong – you are doing a great job so far 🙂

Post by: Mommy Carpio

I’ve gone on lots of baby forums for advice and to read what other moms-to-be are going through, and I met two really cool girls – Alana and Jenny.  Jenny is almost due – I think she only has like 6 weeks left?  And Alana is due around the same time as I am.  Anyways, I just think it’s really cool to have met others who are going through the same thing.  Congrats to both of you!

I also wanted to say congratulations to Kristi – she and Justin are expecting another little cutie sometime next March!  I was really excited to hear about that, and I was even more excited today when Jamie (the Human Resources gal at work who has been so helpful with getting me signed up for FMLA) told me that she was pregnant too!!  I was joking with my friend Sarah because I said something is in the water and she better be careful or she may be next! 🙂  She’d be a great mommy, though 😉

It’s funny how it seems that women get pregnant all around the same time.  So far, that’s 3 people at my work (although Kristi doesn’t come around anymore – but we still miss her!) who are pregnant.  I wonder who’s next?

Post by: Mommy Carpio

: Sigh : Isn’t this morning sickness supposed to be clearing up by now? I’m 11 weeks and 1 day today, and they say it starts to clear up as you get nearer to the second trimester. I feel like it’s just getting worse. But, I didn’t have it that bad right in the beginning, so maybe that’s why it’s all happening right now.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling guilty lately. This mostly has to do with my mom and my mother-in-law. You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I feel guilty because they want to buy me stuff and I don’t want them to. I know it’s rude to refuse it when someone tries to do something nice for you, and these aren’t just people – they’re my moms! Most people would be like “Heck yeah, buy me this and buy me that!” but not me. On my mom’s birthday, she wanted to take me out to buy me some maternity clothes. Part of me was thinking “No, this is your day, you’re not supposed to be spending money on me”, and part of me was hesitant, and I didn’t know why – I couldn’t put my finger on it. I just keep chalking it up to hormones. I told her that it was okay, I don’t want her to buy anything ’cause I don’t know how big I will be, and anything she buys me now probably won’t fit in a few months, and it would be a waste of money. I said that half-heartedly, ’cause part of me did want to go get some new stuff.  My mom is seriously one of my best friends, and any chance I can get to spend with her is something I always look forward to, so that made it even harder to refuse to go shopping with her ’cause we always have fun and laugh at the silliest stuff when we’re out and about.  Still, something was bothering me, so I refused her offer…

Then, this weekend, we went to Ed’s parent’s house to hang out with everyone. It was hot, and I was falling asleep on Sunday afternoon while we kicked it, and Ed’s dad was so sweet because he turned on the AC in the other room so that I could be in there and be comfortable. Anyway, I fell asleep on the couch in there, and Ed’s mom was asleep on the other couch, and Ed was getting a haircut from his dad. When he was done, we all got ready to go to the movies.  Before we left the house, my mother-in-law said she was going to take me to the Camarillo outlets after the movie to the Motherhood Maternity store to buy me some clothes. I told her that it was okay, she didn’t have to, but she insisted. I guess I had hoped she would forget about it, but she’s too sweet to not come through with what she says, and sure enough, after the movies, she drove us all over to that store. She got all excited, and even pointed out the different cocoa butter lotions to me because I’m itching like CRAZY all on my chest and stomach. Then she was going through all the clothes and telling me to pick something out. I felt uncomfortable – and again, I still didn’t know what it was. She was picking stuff out for me and asking me to try them on but I told her the same thing I told my mom – that I wasn’t sure how much bigger I was going to get and it may not fit in a few months. We were in there for about 15 minutes, and then she went to a shoe store next door and I stayed outside with Ed, Jay-Ar, and Monique.

I was driving myself crazy because I was sooo extremely guilt ridden – I felt like crying right there because I felt so rude for refusing her generosity, which made me think of how I refused my mom’s generosity.  If you know me, then you know that anyone who messes with my loved ones – especially my own mom! – has to answer to me.  Well, I’m the one who is “messing with” my mom, so I felt even worse!  I started to tear up, but I turned away from Ed so he wouldn’t wonder what was wrong – I wouldn’t even know what to tell him ’cause I had no clue why I was feeling that way!

On our way home that evening, I still couldn’t shake the guilt. Then all of a sudden, I realized why I was feeling this way. I decided to talk to Ed about it.

The thing is…most people wait until they’re past the first 3 months to tell anyone that they’re pregnant. This is because the risk of “MC” (don’t make me type it out – just think about it if you don’t know what I’m referring to) is extremely lessened once you’re past the first stages where all the important stuff is forming. We obviously didn’t wait, because we were so excited. But now, I guess I feel like everything is happening so fast and I am freaking out. I have so many worries, and I try not to worry, but I can’t help it.

What was that pain in my side?

Why am I getting sicker instead of better?

I accidentally ate something I shouldn’t have! Should I go to the doctor?

We need another car, but how can we afford it?

How are we going to afford all the furniture for the nursery?

And the list goes on and on and on….

So I was telling Ed all this, and I realized that the reason I didn’t want our moms to buy me anything was because I just want to wait until I’m past the first trimester and things start to progress well with the baby. If something were to happen (knock on wood), I wouldn’t wanna see anything that would remind me of being pregnant.

There it is. That’s my whole reason. Pretty lame, huh? I feel horrible about typing it out, though. 😦

I know I shouldn’t think like that, but I can’t help it. Maybe all of my friends who read this that are moms know what I’m going through. I feel totally bogged down with worry all the time, and even though people tell me to enjoy my pregnancy, I just feel like I can’t right now. I pray and pray all the time for the baby – I wish I could just feel the baby already to know that he or she is okay. I mean, I’m sure Baby Carpio is – I know my body would tell me something is wrong, and I haven’t had the feeling that anything is wrong, but still.

I feel like I’m going nuts. Nothing is making sense to me, and I don’t understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. I’m getting more achy in my back, so I haven’t been walking with Roxy as much. This makes me feel like a failure and that I’m somehow causing damage to the baby by not exercising (see! i’m neurotic!).

When Ed got home today, we went to Babies R Us to see if a stroller was going to fit in the back of the Scion (we had been trying to get a bigger car because we were afraid the Scion was too small) – we found one that I just LOVED and guess what? It fit!! That made me happy, and really took away my worry about us finding another car – now we can definitely use the Scion as a family car and Ed can get something else that we can afford. Ed wants to buy me this body pillow that Kristi recommended – it’s called a “Snoogle” – and it’s $53. I feel like I couldn’t justify spending that much money on a pillow, so I keep refusing it. I may give in, though, because I’m having more trouble sleeping these days. However, I’m fine with shoving pillows under my stomach for now.

I did break down and buy a new bra today, though – my old one doesn’t fit anymore, so I really needed this. But I still refuse to buy anything for the baby, but with a few good reasons: #1, we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet; #2, I don’t want to buy anything prematurely (remember my lame reason up there?); and #3, we really don’t need anything yet.

I’m usually so impulsive when it comes to shopping – so this is all new to me — you know, leaving a store without having purchased something. We’ve gotta save as much money as we can, though, especially because I’ll be out of work for a few months. If, when I start feeling better in the second trimester and you see me starting to write blogs about a bunch of unnecessary stuff that I’ve purchased, I give you permission to take away my debit cards and credit cards and cut them up. 🙂

**i just re-read this blog and it was really random and kinda all over the place. sorry ’bout that!*