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So, Ava has been gone for pretty much as long as I had her with me.  And the pain of her loss hasn’t gotten any less, I’ve just gotten better at dealing with it.

I have so many mixed emotions.  I feel bad that I struggle to be happy for people who I know who are pregnant.  I sincerely am happy for them – I just have a hard time associating it with our loss which is selfish of me, I know.

I spilled my guts about how I am feeling in an email to my cousin Melissa – it was about a lot of stuff that not many people know.  She wrote me back the most amazing message that really lifted my spirits and made me feel better.  Still, I hate it that those moments don’t last as long for me, because I go right back to dwelling.  I talked about it with Audrey, too.  She understands everything I feel, so she never makes me feel like I’m being stupid or neurotic, even though I believe that I am.

There were so many things we were looking forward to – of course, Ava was the biggest anticipation.  But I was looking forward to taking Christmas pictures this year with a big ol’ preggo belly.  Does that sound dumb?  I guess it is a pretty lame and superficial thing to look forward to – but I wasn’t looking forward to it because I thought it would make a good picture; rather, it meant that as soon as Christmas was over, that would mean that she would be here in a month and a half.  Ahh, depression….we’re good friends these days, aren’t we?

I’m gonna stop writing now.  There I go again feeling stupid….

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Again, I want to say thank you to all the people who have left me messages and comments telling me that they found my blog and that it has helped them get through their own tough times.  I’m so glad to be of help. 

Many of you keep asking me how to get through this.  The thing is…I don’t know how.  Life goes on, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Ava.  But you learn to start doing other things again.  I guess with time, things eventually get better.  Still, there is always a part of you that is up in heaven with your baby, and there’s no time frame you have to follow that says when you are supposed to stop caring about them or remembering them.

And speaking of remembering them, I wanted to post up something I received from The Church of the Holy Innocents, a Roman Catholic church in New York, NY.  My good friend Alicia, who lives in New York, told me about their website at http://www.innocents.com right after we lost Ava.

They have what they call The Shrine of The Holy Innocents.  The following is an excerpt from their site:


The BOOK OF LIFE  rests between statues of the Holy Family at The Church of The Holy Innocents 128 W 37th St. NY, NY 10018

The Shrine is dedicated in Memory of the Children Who Have Died Unborn.

Often children who have died before birth have no grave or headstone, and sometimes not even a name. At The Church of The Holy Innocents, we invite you to name your child(ren) and to have the opportunity to have your baby’s name inscribed in our “BOOK OF LIFE”.

Here, a candle is always lit in their memory. All day long people stop to pray. On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15pm Mass is celebrated in honor of these children and for the comfort of their families.

We pray that you will find peace in knowing that your child(ren) will be remembered at the Shrine and honored by all who pray here.

Below this message, there is an online form you can fill out, and they will send you a Certificate of Life through email that looks like this.

I think this is a really beautiful dedication, and it is something that everyone who has gone through this loss – whether you are Catholic or not – can do to help ease the pain.  It’s just nice to know that there are others out there who are thinking good thoughts towards you and your angel. 

I hope this helps some of you out there.  Take care and God bless.

So, my doctor’s appointment went well.  I was a little annoyed at first because she was 45 minutes late, and I had to get back to work.  When the nurse walked me in, I could see my doctor through a slightly open door consoling a woman who was crying hysterically.  I felt horrible, because I remember being in that girl’s position.  I was no longer angry that she was late. 

She did an exam on me and said everything looked and felt normal and that she thinks we should start trying again as soon as possible.  I kinda wish people would stop telling me that.  I know they’re trying to be encouraging, but I just want to wait a little more.  We’ll know when the time comes to try again.

I was concerned, though, because I haven’t gotten my period yet – go figure, this time I want to be PMSing! LOL  She said it will take anywhere from 1 – 2 months to get back on my normal cycle and for me to start ovulation, and that I shouldn’t be concerned.  Now, if it’s January 2008 and I still haven’t gotten it, then yeah, I should go back in because that could indicate scar tissue, but she is doubtful that there are any complications.

I’m relieved.  And now I’m celebrating with a Sugar Free Pure Vanilla Ice Blended from Coffee Bean.  Fabulous!

So, tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment with the doctor I was seeing while I was pregnant.  It’s for the 6 week follow up after “delivering” the baby.  I still think it’s horrible that they call it a delivery whether you had the baby or had a miscarriage. 

Anyway, I’m anxious.  I don’t want the doctor to say something is wrong with me and that I can never have children ever again.  I don’t want her to do an exam on me.  I don’t want her to ask questions about how I’ve been coping with things.  I don’t want her to ask if I’ve thought about seeing a grief counselor – friends are better than any psychologist I could see, anyway. 

Basically, I don’t want to go see her.  I hope everything is alright with me. 

Ed works for a Korean gaming company (as their head designer in the US division) that is coming out with an english language version of their popular online game, Seal Online.  Anyway, he spoke to the Game Master in the company and asked if he could rename a pair of wing’s using Ava’s name.  The Game Master said no problem, and Ed decided to choose the Cherub wings, and renamed them “Ava’s Angel Wings”. 

avas-cherub-wings.jpg

It’s a protective item that gives you defense against enemies and attacks.  Isn’t that cool?  The gamers will have to work hard to get these wings, but it is definitely something they’ll want to help them in the game. 

Awesome 🙂

It’s been about 2 weeks since the last D&C (3 weeks since the first one) and I am still feeling a little twang of pain here and there in my abdomen.  I’m scared, but the twangs of pain are few and far between so it’s not really too alarming.  I was also bleeding yesterday.  It wasn’t a lot, but it definitely wasn’t spotting – it was as if I was on my period again, but I know I’m not.  It did stop, though, so I’m glad about that.  I thought this was all supposed to cease a few days after the procedure?

My main worry is that they perforated my uterus, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that.  The symptoms (at least, from what I’ve read – does anyone know more about it?  I couldn’t find much) are that I would have so much pain that I couldn’t walk and that I’d be running a fever, and so far I have had none of that.  I just worry because that was the main risk with having a D&C, since the uterus is so soft when you’re pregnant and it’s possible that they could accidentally cut me.

I still haven’t heard back about my insurance (switching and all), and I have a doctor’s appointment next Thursday.  I’d rather say to hell with Kaiser and be done with it, but I also want to make sure that there are no further complications or anything that would prevent me from getting pregnant in the future or put the baby at risk, so I’m gonna keep the appointment.

You know what’s lame (I just remembered it and I laughed to myself)?  So, I got a call from a nurse on the August 17th (4 days after the procedure) and when I answered the phone and found out who she was she proceeded to say “We here at Kaiser just wanted to say congratulations on the birth of your child and that we do a follow-up appointment 6 weeks after delivery for all mother’s to make sure everything is okay.  What date works best for you?”

I was stunned.  She was calling to congratulate me?  On delivering?  So I said “I’m not sure you’re calling the right patient…” and she confirmed my medical # and everything and sure enough it was me.  I proceeded to ask her why she felt it was necessary for me to have this appointment, and she said it was for the sake of my good health and to make sure everything is okay and that this was a standard check up.

I then proceeded to ask her if she knew if I had a boy or a girl.  She said “Excuse me?”  I asked her again and she said it didn’t say – she was just going off of a list.  So I said she should look at a different list with my information and after she does that, call me back.

She didn’t call me back.  Another nurse I was working with did though, and she apologized about the whole situation and said I still needed to have that appointment to make sure everything is okay.  She also said that even though I had the miscarriage, that it is considered by them to be a delivery and my name just went on a list for that nurse to call, because she is the one who schedules the follow-up appointment for all mothers who just gave birth.

Idiots.

I Would Die For That – Kellie Coffey 

…by Jan Cosby

Nobody knew you
“Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”
…existed.

Nobody knew you
“It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”
…were real

Nobody knew you
“Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.  It’s all for the best.”
…were perfect.

Nobody knew you
“You can always have another!”
…were unique.

Nobody knew you
“You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”
…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
…but us.

And we will always remember
…You.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Just wanted to let everyone know I will no longer be writing on this blog.  I’m going to be going back to my old blog at www.AccordingToAngela.com

Thanks for reading.