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So, Ava has been gone for pretty much as long as I had her with me.  And the pain of her loss hasn’t gotten any less, I’ve just gotten better at dealing with it.

I have so many mixed emotions.  I feel bad that I struggle to be happy for people who I know who are pregnant.  I sincerely am happy for them – I just have a hard time associating it with our loss which is selfish of me, I know.

I spilled my guts about how I am feeling in an email to my cousin Melissa – it was about a lot of stuff that not many people know.  She wrote me back the most amazing message that really lifted my spirits and made me feel better.  Still, I hate it that those moments don’t last as long for me, because I go right back to dwelling.  I talked about it with Audrey, too.  She understands everything I feel, so she never makes me feel like I’m being stupid or neurotic, even though I believe that I am.

There were so many things we were looking forward to – of course, Ava was the biggest anticipation.  But I was looking forward to taking Christmas pictures this year with a big ol’ preggo belly.  Does that sound dumb?  I guess it is a pretty lame and superficial thing to look forward to – but I wasn’t looking forward to it because I thought it would make a good picture; rather, it meant that as soon as Christmas was over, that would mean that she would be here in a month and a half.  Ahh, depression….we’re good friends these days, aren’t we?

I’m gonna stop writing now.  There I go again feeling stupid….

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Again, I want to say thank you to all the people who have left me messages and comments telling me that they found my blog and that it has helped them get through their own tough times.  I’m so glad to be of help. 

Many of you keep asking me how to get through this.  The thing is…I don’t know how.  Life goes on, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Ava.  But you learn to start doing other things again.  I guess with time, things eventually get better.  Still, there is always a part of you that is up in heaven with your baby, and there’s no time frame you have to follow that says when you are supposed to stop caring about them or remembering them.

And speaking of remembering them, I wanted to post up something I received from The Church of the Holy Innocents, a Roman Catholic church in New York, NY.  My good friend Alicia, who lives in New York, told me about their website at http://www.innocents.com right after we lost Ava.

They have what they call The Shrine of The Holy Innocents.  The following is an excerpt from their site:


The BOOK OF LIFE  rests between statues of the Holy Family at The Church of The Holy Innocents 128 W 37th St. NY, NY 10018

The Shrine is dedicated in Memory of the Children Who Have Died Unborn.

Often children who have died before birth have no grave or headstone, and sometimes not even a name. At The Church of The Holy Innocents, we invite you to name your child(ren) and to have the opportunity to have your baby’s name inscribed in our “BOOK OF LIFE”.

Here, a candle is always lit in their memory. All day long people stop to pray. On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15pm Mass is celebrated in honor of these children and for the comfort of their families.

We pray that you will find peace in knowing that your child(ren) will be remembered at the Shrine and honored by all who pray here.

Below this message, there is an online form you can fill out, and they will send you a Certificate of Life through email that looks like this.

I think this is a really beautiful dedication, and it is something that everyone who has gone through this loss – whether you are Catholic or not – can do to help ease the pain.  It’s just nice to know that there are others out there who are thinking good thoughts towards you and your angel. 

I hope this helps some of you out there.  Take care and God bless.

So, tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment with the doctor I was seeing while I was pregnant.  It’s for the 6 week follow up after “delivering” the baby.  I still think it’s horrible that they call it a delivery whether you had the baby or had a miscarriage. 

Anyway, I’m anxious.  I don’t want the doctor to say something is wrong with me and that I can never have children ever again.  I don’t want her to do an exam on me.  I don’t want her to ask questions about how I’ve been coping with things.  I don’t want her to ask if I’ve thought about seeing a grief counselor – friends are better than any psychologist I could see, anyway. 

Basically, I don’t want to go see her.  I hope everything is alright with me. 

So when I first found out I was pregnant, the nerd in me came out of course and turned to the internet for information.  The first thing I did was go on forums to try to see what other women were going through and to read up on questions and answers.  On one particular site, I found two girls that I connected with.  “J” (who just gave birth to her gorgeous little girl) helped me out with a ton of questions that I was having, and “A” was right along the same timeline as I was. 

I found a lot of comfort in talking to both of these girls.  “J” put my mind at ease with a lot of my questions, and “A” had (unfortunately) been through what I’ve been through, so she knew what it was like to worry. 

When “A” found out I had a miscarriage, the things she said to me made me feel like I was finally being understood.  While I appreciated all the kind words and gestures from everyone (which, no doubt, helped Ed and I through it), for some reason, I kinda just clung on to “A’s” messages.  She told me how she didn’t feel like getting out of bed or changing out of her PJ’s just to go to the store, and that sometimes she just felt like dying so she could be with her babies (I’m sorry I’m letting all this out in the open, “A”, but that’s why I’m not using your real name! =] ).  That is exactly how I felt/feel.  I’m still dealing with a depression that only really seems to materialize when I’m alone with my thoughts.  “A” reminded me to grieve as long as I wanted and that no one should expect me to get over this anytime soon. 

Someone that I was talking to about all this told me that it’s probably easier for me to deal with, since I wasn’t that far along (in my opinion, though, I think 3 1/2 months is pretty far) and since the baby wasn’t even alive yet.  I can’t talk to this person like I used to.   

The baby wasn’t even alive yet?  Of course she was!  If she wasn’t alive, I wouldn’t have these wonderful memories of her kicking her legs and moving her arms on the ultrasound screen.  I wouldn’t have felt nauseous day in and day out (which, I think now, I was making out to be less worse than it really was).  I wouldn’t have felt all the symptoms of pregnancy if she wasn’t alive inside of me

Anyway, “A” has been a great friend and support while I was going through pregnancy, and while I was going through the miscarriage.  I remember when she first told me she felt the baby kick her back after she poked her tummy – I couldn’t help but think that since she and I were due the same time, I’d probably be feeling the same thing.  Then when she found out that she was having a boy, I thought to myself that even though I know in my heart our baby was a girl, I would’ve had confirmation of that right now.

I was talking to another friend about “A” and my friend asked me if it was hard to hear about all the things she’s going through, knowing that it should have been me too.  The answer is no.  In fact, it’s the complete opposite of no – which kind of surprises me, because I’m the type of person that can get jealous of what others have when I don’t have it.

But the thing with “A” is that she has gone through what I have gone through.  Twice, I believe.  And now, her little miracle is growing strong inside of her and all I can feel are thoughts of overwhelming happiness and joy for her – and hope for me.  I pray for her and her baby boy all the time because I really belive prayer is a powerful thing.  She and her husband are going to be great parents, and I am sooo sure that “A” was made for motherhood (she wanted to be a preschool teacher like I was, after all, so she loves kids as much as I do!).

We’ve never met, but her mom lives near my in-laws, so we’ve agreed to meet up one day and go shopping – I plan on spoiling her baby boy rotten =]

“A”, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I am so excited for you and that I am glad we are friends, even though we’ve never met in real life =]  I wish I could tell you to stop worrying everytime you go to one of your appointments, but worrying just shows how much you care.

Just think, in a little over 4 months you’ll get to start drinking your Mountain Dew Code Red and your little guy will be here.  God bless!

Ed works for a Korean gaming company (as their head designer in the US division) that is coming out with an english language version of their popular online game, Seal Online.  Anyway, he spoke to the Game Master in the company and asked if he could rename a pair of wing’s using Ava’s name.  The Game Master said no problem, and Ed decided to choose the Cherub wings, and renamed them “Ava’s Angel Wings”. 

avas-cherub-wings.jpg

It’s a protective item that gives you defense against enemies and attacks.  Isn’t that cool?  The gamers will have to work hard to get these wings, but it is definitely something they’ll want to help them in the game. 

Awesome 🙂

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Just wanted to let everyone know I will no longer be writing on this blog.  I’m going to be going back to my old blog at www.AccordingToAngela.com

Thanks for reading.

Hi, sweet little Ava.  You’re in Jesus’ arms now, exactly where He wanted you!  Please find Lola and Lolo Ramos, Lola and Lolo Cortez, Uncle Jun, Uncle Monching, Uncle Mala, Auntie Garding, and Uncle Ben.  They will always play with you and take care of you.

Find Keta and Max, too – they wanna play with you, also!

I’ll miss you everyday, and I will never forget you.  If you see me crying, it’s only because I’m happy that you are now in a better place.  You made my life complete, even if you were only here for a little bit.  Mommy and Daddy love you so much.  Come to me in my dreams, sweetheart.  Visit Daddy in his dreams too.  We’re always here for you.

Hey Everyone,Thanks for all your well wishes for Ed and I and our Baby. I am so sad to let you guys know that unfortunately, during my routine checkup yesterday, the doctor discovered that our Baby had no heartbeat anymore. I was made to stay at the hospital from 230 that afternoon until about 2am this morning, because they performed a procedure on me at around 10:30pm. I was 13 weeks along, and now our baby is a little angel in heaven.Everyone keeps telling me I did nothing wrong. The doctor said unfortunately, this happens more often than he’d like to see, and that my symptoms and what happened are nothing new. I felt like slapping him, because this is all new to me and a complete nightmare, but I know he was just trying to make me feel better. We asked what it was, and he said it may have been some genetic disorder (not something inherited) and it was too early to detect it, so realy, nothing could have been done. I wasn’t even due for the tests where they check out all that stuff for another month and a half or so, so I guess there really isn’t anything that could have been done.Why do I feel like the worst person alive? I know there is something I could’ve done. I won’t deny it, I am a complete wreck right now, so if you try to write to me or message me and I don’t get back to you, please give me some time, and I will.

I am so sorry I let everyone down. All the cousins who were ready to be aunties and uncles. Our parents who were ready to be the best grandparents in the world. And especially my siblings – Chris, John, Cathrine, Jay-Ar, and Monique – I am so sorry that I let you guys down. I know you were looking forward to having a niece or nephew.

My heartfelt thanks go out to Audrey. Audrey, when I found out, you were the first person I called – and you were there in 5 minutes. Thanks for crying with me outside the hospital, and for sitting with me on the bench while I cried some more. You were the first person I thought of who would know what to say. And when I just wanted to sit and cry, that’s what you let me do. Your friendship is a blessing and I thank you so much for being there for me when I absolutely needed you the most.

Please pray for Ed and the Baby. Ed has been great throughout this whole thing, and I am having a hard time being strong for him when I can barely stop crying. Please pray for our baby – pray that she finds my grandparents and all my loved ones in heaven so that she or he isn’t alone and knows that they want her or him up there just as much as I wanted her or him down here.

Love always,
Angela

Post by: Mommy Carpio

I have now found a brand new love of Blueberry Muffins, thanks to you.  I still don’t want milk and that’s thanks to you too, but it’s okay.  I’m taking 4 huge calcium pills every morning to make up for it, so don’t you feel bad about that!  I’ve also been reading Harry Potter (yes, the whole series is done and I am barely starting book 2), and Grandma Leni said I should be reading Dr. Seuss and Disney books, but I think you enjoy Harry Potter as much as I do!  However, I will read that stuff to you when you are actually here, because Grandma Leni read them to me when I was little, and I LOVED them so much (I’m sure you will too!).

Daddy and I got a chance to see you again on Friday.  The midwife said I was doing GREAT with everything, so that was very nice to hear.  She also tried to let us hear your heartbeat, but she couldn’t find it.  So, she had to have a look just to make sure you are okay.  We saw you and you were moving all around my tummy – your legs were kicking up a storm (you’ll need strong legs when you start to dance the hula, so keep kicking! hehe).  I can’t wait to hear your heartbeat and I can’t wait to start feeling you kick, but for now, I am in love with seeing you move around – keep it up 🙂

I can feel you moving further up my stomach – you were very low before, but you’re nearer to my belly button now and I can feel right where you are because my tummy is getting tougher right there.  This is such an exciting time for Daddy and I – we can’t wait for you!!  But, of course, you take your time – we’ll wait until you’re nice and ready.  Daddy even got his new car today – there’s a big trunk to fit your stroller in, and when he took me for a test drive today, I sat in the back to see how it would feel back there with you.  It’s gonna be a comfy ride.

We love you!  God bless you always and please continue to grow healthy and strong – you are doing a great job so far 🙂