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So, tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment with the doctor I was seeing while I was pregnant.  It’s for the 6 week follow up after “delivering” the baby.  I still think it’s horrible that they call it a delivery whether you had the baby or had a miscarriage. 

Anyway, I’m anxious.  I don’t want the doctor to say something is wrong with me and that I can never have children ever again.  I don’t want her to do an exam on me.  I don’t want her to ask questions about how I’ve been coping with things.  I don’t want her to ask if I’ve thought about seeing a grief counselor – friends are better than any psychologist I could see, anyway. 

Basically, I don’t want to go see her.  I hope everything is alright with me. 

Hi, sweet little Ava.  You’re in Jesus’ arms now, exactly where He wanted you!  Please find Lola and Lolo Ramos, Lola and Lolo Cortez, Uncle Jun, Uncle Monching, Uncle Mala, Auntie Garding, and Uncle Ben.  They will always play with you and take care of you.

Find Keta and Max, too – they wanna play with you, also!

I’ll miss you everyday, and I will never forget you.  If you see me crying, it’s only because I’m happy that you are now in a better place.  You made my life complete, even if you were only here for a little bit.  Mommy and Daddy love you so much.  Come to me in my dreams, sweetheart.  Visit Daddy in his dreams too.  We’re always here for you.

Hey Everyone,Thanks for all your well wishes for Ed and I and our Baby. I am so sad to let you guys know that unfortunately, during my routine checkup yesterday, the doctor discovered that our Baby had no heartbeat anymore. I was made to stay at the hospital from 230 that afternoon until about 2am this morning, because they performed a procedure on me at around 10:30pm. I was 13 weeks along, and now our baby is a little angel in heaven.Everyone keeps telling me I did nothing wrong. The doctor said unfortunately, this happens more often than he’d like to see, and that my symptoms and what happened are nothing new. I felt like slapping him, because this is all new to me and a complete nightmare, but I know he was just trying to make me feel better. We asked what it was, and he said it may have been some genetic disorder (not something inherited) and it was too early to detect it, so realy, nothing could have been done. I wasn’t even due for the tests where they check out all that stuff for another month and a half or so, so I guess there really isn’t anything that could have been done.Why do I feel like the worst person alive? I know there is something I could’ve done. I won’t deny it, I am a complete wreck right now, so if you try to write to me or message me and I don’t get back to you, please give me some time, and I will.

I am so sorry I let everyone down. All the cousins who were ready to be aunties and uncles. Our parents who were ready to be the best grandparents in the world. And especially my siblings – Chris, John, Cathrine, Jay-Ar, and Monique – I am so sorry that I let you guys down. I know you were looking forward to having a niece or nephew.

My heartfelt thanks go out to Audrey. Audrey, when I found out, you were the first person I called – and you were there in 5 minutes. Thanks for crying with me outside the hospital, and for sitting with me on the bench while I cried some more. You were the first person I thought of who would know what to say. And when I just wanted to sit and cry, that’s what you let me do. Your friendship is a blessing and I thank you so much for being there for me when I absolutely needed you the most.

Please pray for Ed and the Baby. Ed has been great throughout this whole thing, and I am having a hard time being strong for him when I can barely stop crying. Please pray for our baby – pray that she finds my grandparents and all my loved ones in heaven so that she or he isn’t alone and knows that they want her or him up there just as much as I wanted her or him down here.

Love always,
Angela

Post by: Mommy Carpio

I have now found a brand new love of Blueberry Muffins, thanks to you.  I still don’t want milk and that’s thanks to you too, but it’s okay.  I’m taking 4 huge calcium pills every morning to make up for it, so don’t you feel bad about that!  I’ve also been reading Harry Potter (yes, the whole series is done and I am barely starting book 2), and Grandma Leni said I should be reading Dr. Seuss and Disney books, but I think you enjoy Harry Potter as much as I do!  However, I will read that stuff to you when you are actually here, because Grandma Leni read them to me when I was little, and I LOVED them so much (I’m sure you will too!).

Daddy and I got a chance to see you again on Friday.  The midwife said I was doing GREAT with everything, so that was very nice to hear.  She also tried to let us hear your heartbeat, but she couldn’t find it.  So, she had to have a look just to make sure you are okay.  We saw you and you were moving all around my tummy – your legs were kicking up a storm (you’ll need strong legs when you start to dance the hula, so keep kicking! hehe).  I can’t wait to hear your heartbeat and I can’t wait to start feeling you kick, but for now, I am in love with seeing you move around – keep it up 🙂

I can feel you moving further up my stomach – you were very low before, but you’re nearer to my belly button now and I can feel right where you are because my tummy is getting tougher right there.  This is such an exciting time for Daddy and I – we can’t wait for you!!  But, of course, you take your time – we’ll wait until you’re nice and ready.  Daddy even got his new car today – there’s a big trunk to fit your stroller in, and when he took me for a test drive today, I sat in the back to see how it would feel back there with you.  It’s gonna be a comfy ride.

We love you!  God bless you always and please continue to grow healthy and strong – you are doing a great job so far 🙂

Post by: Mommy Carpio

: Sigh : Isn’t this morning sickness supposed to be clearing up by now? I’m 11 weeks and 1 day today, and they say it starts to clear up as you get nearer to the second trimester. I feel like it’s just getting worse. But, I didn’t have it that bad right in the beginning, so maybe that’s why it’s all happening right now.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling guilty lately. This mostly has to do with my mom and my mother-in-law. You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I feel guilty because they want to buy me stuff and I don’t want them to. I know it’s rude to refuse it when someone tries to do something nice for you, and these aren’t just people – they’re my moms! Most people would be like “Heck yeah, buy me this and buy me that!” but not me. On my mom’s birthday, she wanted to take me out to buy me some maternity clothes. Part of me was thinking “No, this is your day, you’re not supposed to be spending money on me”, and part of me was hesitant, and I didn’t know why – I couldn’t put my finger on it. I just keep chalking it up to hormones. I told her that it was okay, I don’t want her to buy anything ’cause I don’t know how big I will be, and anything she buys me now probably won’t fit in a few months, and it would be a waste of money. I said that half-heartedly, ’cause part of me did want to go get some new stuff.  My mom is seriously one of my best friends, and any chance I can get to spend with her is something I always look forward to, so that made it even harder to refuse to go shopping with her ’cause we always have fun and laugh at the silliest stuff when we’re out and about.  Still, something was bothering me, so I refused her offer…

Then, this weekend, we went to Ed’s parent’s house to hang out with everyone. It was hot, and I was falling asleep on Sunday afternoon while we kicked it, and Ed’s dad was so sweet because he turned on the AC in the other room so that I could be in there and be comfortable. Anyway, I fell asleep on the couch in there, and Ed’s mom was asleep on the other couch, and Ed was getting a haircut from his dad. When he was done, we all got ready to go to the movies.  Before we left the house, my mother-in-law said she was going to take me to the Camarillo outlets after the movie to the Motherhood Maternity store to buy me some clothes. I told her that it was okay, she didn’t have to, but she insisted. I guess I had hoped she would forget about it, but she’s too sweet to not come through with what she says, and sure enough, after the movies, she drove us all over to that store. She got all excited, and even pointed out the different cocoa butter lotions to me because I’m itching like CRAZY all on my chest and stomach. Then she was going through all the clothes and telling me to pick something out. I felt uncomfortable – and again, I still didn’t know what it was. She was picking stuff out for me and asking me to try them on but I told her the same thing I told my mom – that I wasn’t sure how much bigger I was going to get and it may not fit in a few months. We were in there for about 15 minutes, and then she went to a shoe store next door and I stayed outside with Ed, Jay-Ar, and Monique.

I was driving myself crazy because I was sooo extremely guilt ridden – I felt like crying right there because I felt so rude for refusing her generosity, which made me think of how I refused my mom’s generosity.  If you know me, then you know that anyone who messes with my loved ones – especially my own mom! – has to answer to me.  Well, I’m the one who is “messing with” my mom, so I felt even worse!  I started to tear up, but I turned away from Ed so he wouldn’t wonder what was wrong – I wouldn’t even know what to tell him ’cause I had no clue why I was feeling that way!

On our way home that evening, I still couldn’t shake the guilt. Then all of a sudden, I realized why I was feeling this way. I decided to talk to Ed about it.

The thing is…most people wait until they’re past the first 3 months to tell anyone that they’re pregnant. This is because the risk of “MC” (don’t make me type it out – just think about it if you don’t know what I’m referring to) is extremely lessened once you’re past the first stages where all the important stuff is forming. We obviously didn’t wait, because we were so excited. But now, I guess I feel like everything is happening so fast and I am freaking out. I have so many worries, and I try not to worry, but I can’t help it.

What was that pain in my side?

Why am I getting sicker instead of better?

I accidentally ate something I shouldn’t have! Should I go to the doctor?

We need another car, but how can we afford it?

How are we going to afford all the furniture for the nursery?

And the list goes on and on and on….

So I was telling Ed all this, and I realized that the reason I didn’t want our moms to buy me anything was because I just want to wait until I’m past the first trimester and things start to progress well with the baby. If something were to happen (knock on wood), I wouldn’t wanna see anything that would remind me of being pregnant.

There it is. That’s my whole reason. Pretty lame, huh? I feel horrible about typing it out, though. 😦

I know I shouldn’t think like that, but I can’t help it. Maybe all of my friends who read this that are moms know what I’m going through. I feel totally bogged down with worry all the time, and even though people tell me to enjoy my pregnancy, I just feel like I can’t right now. I pray and pray all the time for the baby – I wish I could just feel the baby already to know that he or she is okay. I mean, I’m sure Baby Carpio is – I know my body would tell me something is wrong, and I haven’t had the feeling that anything is wrong, but still.

I feel like I’m going nuts. Nothing is making sense to me, and I don’t understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. I’m getting more achy in my back, so I haven’t been walking with Roxy as much. This makes me feel like a failure and that I’m somehow causing damage to the baby by not exercising (see! i’m neurotic!).

When Ed got home today, we went to Babies R Us to see if a stroller was going to fit in the back of the Scion (we had been trying to get a bigger car because we were afraid the Scion was too small) – we found one that I just LOVED and guess what? It fit!! That made me happy, and really took away my worry about us finding another car – now we can definitely use the Scion as a family car and Ed can get something else that we can afford. Ed wants to buy me this body pillow that Kristi recommended – it’s called a “Snoogle” – and it’s $53. I feel like I couldn’t justify spending that much money on a pillow, so I keep refusing it. I may give in, though, because I’m having more trouble sleeping these days. However, I’m fine with shoving pillows under my stomach for now.

I did break down and buy a new bra today, though – my old one doesn’t fit anymore, so I really needed this. But I still refuse to buy anything for the baby, but with a few good reasons: #1, we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet; #2, I don’t want to buy anything prematurely (remember my lame reason up there?); and #3, we really don’t need anything yet.

I’m usually so impulsive when it comes to shopping – so this is all new to me — you know, leaving a store without having purchased something. We’ve gotta save as much money as we can, though, especially because I’ll be out of work for a few months. If, when I start feeling better in the second trimester and you see me starting to write blogs about a bunch of unnecessary stuff that I’ve purchased, I give you permission to take away my debit cards and credit cards and cut them up. 🙂

**i just re-read this blog and it was really random and kinda all over the place. sorry ’bout that!*

Post by: Mommy Carpio

Hey everyone. I’m having an ultrasound tomorrow to determine the exact due date of the baby. According to my new Doctor and the new Midwife, my previous Midwife was a dingbat (that’s why she’s the previous midwife) and totally measured the baby incorrectly! My due date is no longer February 10th – they’re both in agreement that it’s probably more like February 18th. It would’ve been cool to have the baby born on our anniversary, but then again – they both are two very important separate events all on their own, so I am glad the baby will have her birthday on a different day!

Wish me luck – I have to drink 24oz. of water an hour before, and the ultrasound may take 30 minutes to an hour, and I can’t pee till after that! It’s not easy holding it in these days LOL

Post by: Mommy Carpio

Today, I had an appointment to meet my new doctor.  Some of you knew that I was unhappy with the midwife that I was dealing with, so I decided to change to an actual doctor, because I feel more comfortable with someone who has a lot more experience.

My new doctor is an older African-American woman with the most beautiful skin I’ve ever seen!  Her face was blemish free – kinda weird for me to say that, but it was the first thing I noticed hehe.

I’m glad I got her – in fact, when I was walking in from the waiting room, I saw her in the hallway and she just radiated this friendliness, and I remember thinking to myself that I was hoping she was my new doctor – and she was 🙂

She came in and asked me how I was doing and I told her I’d been doing good – still nauseous, but it’s starting to subside.  She then told me that today would be the earliest we could attempt to hear the heartbeat.  How exciting!  A part of me was sad that Ed wasn’t with me to hear it if we did hear it, but we have a doppler at home and I decided that if I heard it, at least I would know what it sounds like and be able to find it for Ed to hear.

So, she got the doppler and put it on my abdomen – right above the you-know-what.  I had no clue the baby was that low!  So there goes my theory about my tummy getting bigger ’cause of the baby being there – apparently I’m just getting fatter LOL.  At this appointment though, I had only put on 1 pound since 2 weeks ago at my last appointment, when I had put on 4!! Yikes!

So anyway, she kept looking for the heart beat and I stayed as calm as I could – I realized I was concentrating so hard that I wasn’t even breathing!  She told me to relax, and so I did – and then I heard it!  Er…what I thought was the heartbeat; turns out it was my own pulse.  She said that my pulse was nice and slow and steady, and that the baby’s would be twice as fast.  Unfortunately she didn’t find it (she said the baby probably wasn’t in the position to be heard), so she tried an ultrasound.

She first tried the tummy ultrasound, and we couldn’t see the baby that way.  I suppose I should’ve started panicking at this point, but I wasn’t.  I just had this feeling that everything was gonna be okay.  She decided to do a vaginal ultrasound, and then she found the baby. 

OH. MY. GOODNESS.  Baby Carpio has grown by leaps and bounds!!  She showed me the heart beat which was beautiful and steady and beating perfectly.  And then she pointed something out to me that I didn’t notice – the baby’s legs!  The doctor said “Oh my, look at your baby – she’s a dancing machine!  Look at those legs go!!”  I almost cried, but I was so happy that I couldn’t look away.  She asked if I love to dance, and of course I love to dance!  “Well, looks like you’ve got a dancer in there!  She’s showin’ off, knowing Mommy is looking at her so proudly” hehehe (by the way, she just keeps saying “she” because it’s basically a she for right now, until the boy or girl parts start forming – we don’t know the sex yet, and we’re not sure if we want to find out!  but that’s saved for another blog).  Her legs were kicking up a storm – think of how a kid sits on a swing and they dangle and kick their legs ’cause they’re trying to start swinging – that’s what it looked like.

It didn’t seem real, but it is, and I had to keep telling myself not to scream out loud ’cause I’d probably scare the doctor!  Man, I am so excited.

What I also loved about the doctor was that she didn’t rush me – she asked if I had any questions and I felt comfortable with her because she took the time to explain things to me.  The biggest worry I had right now was my calcium intake.  The baby takes all the calcium it needs from me, but the thing is, I’m not getting enough.  I can’t handle milk these days – it really upsets my stomach.  She said it was okay for me to take a calcium supplement (1,000 mg), so before I went home, I stopped at the Kaiser Pharmacy and bought a bottle that has 950 mg per pill (my prenatal vitamin has 200 mg of calcium in it, so I’m definitely getting enough now).

I feel so happy 🙂  Things are going great, and the doctor said the baby looks wonderful.  That is the best news ever 🙂

Post by: Mommy Carpio

I am officially 9 weeks today (for those of you who care, another week is counted on every Wednesday).  This is a milestone for the baby, too, because the Baby is no longer an embryo, he or she is now a fetus 🙂

According to BabyCenter.com, this is what the Baby looks like currently:

9-weeks.jpg

This is how she looked at my ultrasound last Thursday (8weeks and 1 day)

8w1d.jpg

The C.N.M. said the Baby is exactly the size he or she is supposed to be and that he or she is right on schedule.  Her heart was beating very strong, and the C.N.M. didn’t even need to measure the heart rate (even though I thought it was beating too fast – it’s normal!) because she said it looks perfect.

According to Baby Center:

How your baby’s growing:

Your new resident is nearly an inch long — barely the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce, but he’s poised for rapid weight gain now that his basic physical structure is in place. He’s also starting to look more and more human. His embryonic “tail” is now completely gone and his body parts — including organs, muscles, and nerves — are kicking into gear.His eyelids are fused shut and won’t open until 27 weeks. He has earlobes, and by week’s end, the inner workings of his ears will be complete. His upper lip is fully formed, too, and his mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The tips of his fingers are slightly enlarged where his touch pads are developing. All major joints — his shoulders, elbows, wrists, knees, and ankles — are working, enabling your baby to move his limbs. As for his heart, it has divided into four chambers now, and the valves have started to develop. External sex organs are there, but won’t be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks.

Post by: Mommy Carpio

Yesterday I went for my 2nd prenatal appointment checkup; unfortunately, I had to go by myself because Ed had to work.  I was going to ask my mom to go, but my sister had already let me know she was gonna take my mom to the beach, so I didn’t want her to miss out on that.  But everything looks really good – Baby Carpio is 1.72 cm, about half an inch.  It is CRAZY how much he or she has grown!  At the first ultrasound, she looked like a polka dot on the screen.  Now, I can hardly see the uterus because the baby and the yolk sack (what they feed off of until the placenta forms) are gettin’ all cozy up in there.  The midwife said the Baby was growing EXACTLY on schedule – not too big and not too small.  As of yesterday, I am officially 8 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  I’ll get Ed to scan the ultrasound pix so you all can see what a difference there was in 2 weeks.

It was really cool.  Of course, I still have all the jitters of being a first time mom, but I was thinking about it last night, and I thought to myself that my mom is gonna be a great teacher, because she was such a good mom.  My dad too – I’ve learned from both of them how to (hopefully) be a great parent, because they were great examples.

In other news, because of my family history, it could be possible that I may get Gestational Diabetes.  This keeps worrying me, because the doctors are going to make me take the test early.  So, I’ve been really watching what I eat – no refined sugar at all, and lessening my intake of carbs.  I can’t cut them out fully, even though I find that easy to do, because you need a lot of vitamins that you get in whole grains and breads to help the baby grow. 

Anyway, if I do get it, at least I know I have a team of good doctors behind me to help take care of me.  And the good thing is that GD goes away after your pregnant!!  So that is something else to look forward to.  I did learn a lot from my Certified Nurse Midwife (C.N.M>) though, because I asked her about my cousin Catherine, who is also pregnant and got GD.  I told her that Catherine was one of the most fit people I know, very active, and not overweight by any means at all – I doubt she weighs more than 100 pounds – so how could she get Gestational Diabetes??  The C.N.M. said it doesn’t matter how skinny or how fat you are – it’s not those extra donuts you ate in the morning or that second helping of rice you had.  It’s all in how your body processes that sugar, and if you have a history of diabetes in your family, it’s more likely that you will develop it.  My C.N.M. herself is overweight and she said she had Gestational Diabetes when she was pregnant with her son, and now she has a 60% chance of it coming back, so she’s trying to do all she can to keep it away.

Anyway, if I do get it, I think I will be okay with it.  Technology today is so advanced, and it’s not like I’m the first person who ever had it if I get it.  At least I know someone will be helping take care of me and the Baby.

Toodles everyone!  I woke up at 5:30 this morning because I decided I don’t like rushing in the morning, so I took Roxy for a walk, ate my breakfast, and now I’m going in the shower.  Hope you all have a great weekend 🙂

Post by: Mommy Carpio

I can’t wait for this first trimester to progress into the second trimester.  I’m not trying to rush baby carpio, but seriously?  I’ve had enough of this feeling so blah.

Today is one of my not-doing-so-well days.  I dunno – it almost feels like I’m in a deep depression.  It happens when I’m at work – but it’s not my co-workers or the work itself; it’s just me.  I feel like this when I get home, too, but then I see Ed and I start to feel better.

I have been worrying a lot about the baby, especially since my doctor asked me to come in for more tests on Wednesday (my arm is still so bruised up from all the blood they took).  I’m trying to regulate the worry-wart in me though, because I’m driving myself crazy with all the concerns.  It’s also hard not to look up certain things on the internet to get an idea of what’s going on, but then all I end up doing is worrying myself even more because of the things I read, so I’m trying to stop that.

Haven’t had an appetite today.  I ate oatmeal at about 7am, and started to feel nauseous at around 11:30, so I ate some fruit snacks.  Now I’m trying to eat this soup for lunch.  I started out with chicken noodle, but I threw it out.  Now this vegetable beef one has been sitting in front of me for 30 minutes and I haven’t touched it.  I probably shouldn’t have opened the can because I just don’t want it. 😦

Ed bought me some bananas last night – they were so good.  He also got me a Luna Bar in Strawberries & Cream – that was really good too.  I wish they made sugar free – then I would be all over that.  But, I don’t wanna go all crazy on sugary stuff ’cause that’s not good for me or the baby, so it’s better just to stay away.

Gosh, I really put no effort whatsoever into this post.  I’m sorry.  I guess it’s just a reflection of how I’m feeling.  I hope you’re all doing better than I am.