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So, my doctor’s appointment went well.  I was a little annoyed at first because she was 45 minutes late, and I had to get back to work.  When the nurse walked me in, I could see my doctor through a slightly open door consoling a woman who was crying hysterically.  I felt horrible, because I remember being in that girl’s position.  I was no longer angry that she was late. 

She did an exam on me and said everything looked and felt normal and that she thinks we should start trying again as soon as possible.  I kinda wish people would stop telling me that.  I know they’re trying to be encouraging, but I just want to wait a little more.  We’ll know when the time comes to try again.

I was concerned, though, because I haven’t gotten my period yet – go figure, this time I want to be PMSing! LOL  She said it will take anywhere from 1 – 2 months to get back on my normal cycle and for me to start ovulation, and that I shouldn’t be concerned.  Now, if it’s January 2008 and I still haven’t gotten it, then yeah, I should go back in because that could indicate scar tissue, but she is doubtful that there are any complications.

I’m relieved.  And now I’m celebrating with a Sugar Free Pure Vanilla Ice Blended from Coffee Bean.  Fabulous!

I Would Die For That – Kellie Coffey 

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Post by: Mommy Carpio

…I know when I’m beat.  I tried to stick it out as long as I could, but I can’t do it anymore.

I’m gonna have to break down and buy *gulp* maternity pants.

Good thing they make shirts long enough to cover that ugly elastic around the waist!

Post by:  Mommy Carpio

My back hurts.  I’m itchy.  I’m sleepy.  I’m hot.  I have a headache.  I’m lightheaded.  My feet hurt.  I’m hungry, but I’m not.  My fingernails itch right below the surface.  I’m bored.  I have to pee – all the time.  I feel like crap.  I don’t want to do anything except sit down and exist.

But, I’m a whiner, and we all knew that (and if you didn’t know, well, now you know).  Someone wake me up when the baby’s here. 🙂

Post by: Mommy Carpio

I have now found a brand new love of Blueberry Muffins, thanks to you.  I still don’t want milk and that’s thanks to you too, but it’s okay.  I’m taking 4 huge calcium pills every morning to make up for it, so don’t you feel bad about that!  I’ve also been reading Harry Potter (yes, the whole series is done and I am barely starting book 2), and Grandma Leni said I should be reading Dr. Seuss and Disney books, but I think you enjoy Harry Potter as much as I do!  However, I will read that stuff to you when you are actually here, because Grandma Leni read them to me when I was little, and I LOVED them so much (I’m sure you will too!).

Daddy and I got a chance to see you again on Friday.  The midwife said I was doing GREAT with everything, so that was very nice to hear.  She also tried to let us hear your heartbeat, but she couldn’t find it.  So, she had to have a look just to make sure you are okay.  We saw you and you were moving all around my tummy – your legs were kicking up a storm (you’ll need strong legs when you start to dance the hula, so keep kicking! hehe).  I can’t wait to hear your heartbeat and I can’t wait to start feeling you kick, but for now, I am in love with seeing you move around – keep it up 🙂

I can feel you moving further up my stomach – you were very low before, but you’re nearer to my belly button now and I can feel right where you are because my tummy is getting tougher right there.  This is such an exciting time for Daddy and I – we can’t wait for you!!  But, of course, you take your time – we’ll wait until you’re nice and ready.  Daddy even got his new car today – there’s a big trunk to fit your stroller in, and when he took me for a test drive today, I sat in the back to see how it would feel back there with you.  It’s gonna be a comfy ride.

We love you!  God bless you always and please continue to grow healthy and strong – you are doing a great job so far 🙂

Post by: Mommy Carpio

I’ve gone on lots of baby forums for advice and to read what other moms-to-be are going through, and I met two really cool girls – Alana and Jenny.  Jenny is almost due – I think she only has like 6 weeks left?  And Alana is due around the same time as I am.  Anyways, I just think it’s really cool to have met others who are going through the same thing.  Congrats to both of you!

I also wanted to say congratulations to Kristi – she and Justin are expecting another little cutie sometime next March!  I was really excited to hear about that, and I was even more excited today when Jamie (the Human Resources gal at work who has been so helpful with getting me signed up for FMLA) told me that she was pregnant too!!  I was joking with my friend Sarah because I said something is in the water and she better be careful or she may be next! 🙂  She’d be a great mommy, though 😉

It’s funny how it seems that women get pregnant all around the same time.  So far, that’s 3 people at my work (although Kristi doesn’t come around anymore – but we still miss her!) who are pregnant.  I wonder who’s next?

Post by: Mommy Carpio

: Sigh : Isn’t this morning sickness supposed to be clearing up by now? I’m 11 weeks and 1 day today, and they say it starts to clear up as you get nearer to the second trimester. I feel like it’s just getting worse. But, I didn’t have it that bad right in the beginning, so maybe that’s why it’s all happening right now.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling guilty lately. This mostly has to do with my mom and my mother-in-law. You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I feel guilty because they want to buy me stuff and I don’t want them to. I know it’s rude to refuse it when someone tries to do something nice for you, and these aren’t just people – they’re my moms! Most people would be like “Heck yeah, buy me this and buy me that!” but not me. On my mom’s birthday, she wanted to take me out to buy me some maternity clothes. Part of me was thinking “No, this is your day, you’re not supposed to be spending money on me”, and part of me was hesitant, and I didn’t know why – I couldn’t put my finger on it. I just keep chalking it up to hormones. I told her that it was okay, I don’t want her to buy anything ’cause I don’t know how big I will be, and anything she buys me now probably won’t fit in a few months, and it would be a waste of money. I said that half-heartedly, ’cause part of me did want to go get some new stuff.  My mom is seriously one of my best friends, and any chance I can get to spend with her is something I always look forward to, so that made it even harder to refuse to go shopping with her ’cause we always have fun and laugh at the silliest stuff when we’re out and about.  Still, something was bothering me, so I refused her offer…

Then, this weekend, we went to Ed’s parent’s house to hang out with everyone. It was hot, and I was falling asleep on Sunday afternoon while we kicked it, and Ed’s dad was so sweet because he turned on the AC in the other room so that I could be in there and be comfortable. Anyway, I fell asleep on the couch in there, and Ed’s mom was asleep on the other couch, and Ed was getting a haircut from his dad. When he was done, we all got ready to go to the movies.  Before we left the house, my mother-in-law said she was going to take me to the Camarillo outlets after the movie to the Motherhood Maternity store to buy me some clothes. I told her that it was okay, she didn’t have to, but she insisted. I guess I had hoped she would forget about it, but she’s too sweet to not come through with what she says, and sure enough, after the movies, she drove us all over to that store. She got all excited, and even pointed out the different cocoa butter lotions to me because I’m itching like CRAZY all on my chest and stomach. Then she was going through all the clothes and telling me to pick something out. I felt uncomfortable – and again, I still didn’t know what it was. She was picking stuff out for me and asking me to try them on but I told her the same thing I told my mom – that I wasn’t sure how much bigger I was going to get and it may not fit in a few months. We were in there for about 15 minutes, and then she went to a shoe store next door and I stayed outside with Ed, Jay-Ar, and Monique.

I was driving myself crazy because I was sooo extremely guilt ridden – I felt like crying right there because I felt so rude for refusing her generosity, which made me think of how I refused my mom’s generosity.  If you know me, then you know that anyone who messes with my loved ones – especially my own mom! – has to answer to me.  Well, I’m the one who is “messing with” my mom, so I felt even worse!  I started to tear up, but I turned away from Ed so he wouldn’t wonder what was wrong – I wouldn’t even know what to tell him ’cause I had no clue why I was feeling that way!

On our way home that evening, I still couldn’t shake the guilt. Then all of a sudden, I realized why I was feeling this way. I decided to talk to Ed about it.

The thing is…most people wait until they’re past the first 3 months to tell anyone that they’re pregnant. This is because the risk of “MC” (don’t make me type it out – just think about it if you don’t know what I’m referring to) is extremely lessened once you’re past the first stages where all the important stuff is forming. We obviously didn’t wait, because we were so excited. But now, I guess I feel like everything is happening so fast and I am freaking out. I have so many worries, and I try not to worry, but I can’t help it.

What was that pain in my side?

Why am I getting sicker instead of better?

I accidentally ate something I shouldn’t have! Should I go to the doctor?

We need another car, but how can we afford it?

How are we going to afford all the furniture for the nursery?

And the list goes on and on and on….

So I was telling Ed all this, and I realized that the reason I didn’t want our moms to buy me anything was because I just want to wait until I’m past the first trimester and things start to progress well with the baby. If something were to happen (knock on wood), I wouldn’t wanna see anything that would remind me of being pregnant.

There it is. That’s my whole reason. Pretty lame, huh? I feel horrible about typing it out, though. 😦

I know I shouldn’t think like that, but I can’t help it. Maybe all of my friends who read this that are moms know what I’m going through. I feel totally bogged down with worry all the time, and even though people tell me to enjoy my pregnancy, I just feel like I can’t right now. I pray and pray all the time for the baby – I wish I could just feel the baby already to know that he or she is okay. I mean, I’m sure Baby Carpio is – I know my body would tell me something is wrong, and I haven’t had the feeling that anything is wrong, but still.

I feel like I’m going nuts. Nothing is making sense to me, and I don’t understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. I’m getting more achy in my back, so I haven’t been walking with Roxy as much. This makes me feel like a failure and that I’m somehow causing damage to the baby by not exercising (see! i’m neurotic!).

When Ed got home today, we went to Babies R Us to see if a stroller was going to fit in the back of the Scion (we had been trying to get a bigger car because we were afraid the Scion was too small) – we found one that I just LOVED and guess what? It fit!! That made me happy, and really took away my worry about us finding another car – now we can definitely use the Scion as a family car and Ed can get something else that we can afford. Ed wants to buy me this body pillow that Kristi recommended – it’s called a “Snoogle” – and it’s $53. I feel like I couldn’t justify spending that much money on a pillow, so I keep refusing it. I may give in, though, because I’m having more trouble sleeping these days. However, I’m fine with shoving pillows under my stomach for now.

I did break down and buy a new bra today, though – my old one doesn’t fit anymore, so I really needed this. But I still refuse to buy anything for the baby, but with a few good reasons: #1, we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet; #2, I don’t want to buy anything prematurely (remember my lame reason up there?); and #3, we really don’t need anything yet.

I’m usually so impulsive when it comes to shopping – so this is all new to me — you know, leaving a store without having purchased something. We’ve gotta save as much money as we can, though, especially because I’ll be out of work for a few months. If, when I start feeling better in the second trimester and you see me starting to write blogs about a bunch of unnecessary stuff that I’ve purchased, I give you permission to take away my debit cards and credit cards and cut them up. 🙂

**i just re-read this blog and it was really random and kinda all over the place. sorry ’bout that!*

Post by: Mommy Carpio

Hey everyone. I’m having an ultrasound tomorrow to determine the exact due date of the baby. According to my new Doctor and the new Midwife, my previous Midwife was a dingbat (that’s why she’s the previous midwife) and totally measured the baby incorrectly! My due date is no longer February 10th – they’re both in agreement that it’s probably more like February 18th. It would’ve been cool to have the baby born on our anniversary, but then again – they both are two very important separate events all on their own, so I am glad the baby will have her birthday on a different day!

Wish me luck – I have to drink 24oz. of water an hour before, and the ultrasound may take 30 minutes to an hour, and I can’t pee till after that! It’s not easy holding it in these days LOL

Post by: Mommy Carpio

Today, I had an appointment to meet my new doctor.  Some of you knew that I was unhappy with the midwife that I was dealing with, so I decided to change to an actual doctor, because I feel more comfortable with someone who has a lot more experience.

My new doctor is an older African-American woman with the most beautiful skin I’ve ever seen!  Her face was blemish free – kinda weird for me to say that, but it was the first thing I noticed hehe.

I’m glad I got her – in fact, when I was walking in from the waiting room, I saw her in the hallway and she just radiated this friendliness, and I remember thinking to myself that I was hoping she was my new doctor – and she was 🙂

She came in and asked me how I was doing and I told her I’d been doing good – still nauseous, but it’s starting to subside.  She then told me that today would be the earliest we could attempt to hear the heartbeat.  How exciting!  A part of me was sad that Ed wasn’t with me to hear it if we did hear it, but we have a doppler at home and I decided that if I heard it, at least I would know what it sounds like and be able to find it for Ed to hear.

So, she got the doppler and put it on my abdomen – right above the you-know-what.  I had no clue the baby was that low!  So there goes my theory about my tummy getting bigger ’cause of the baby being there – apparently I’m just getting fatter LOL.  At this appointment though, I had only put on 1 pound since 2 weeks ago at my last appointment, when I had put on 4!! Yikes!

So anyway, she kept looking for the heart beat and I stayed as calm as I could – I realized I was concentrating so hard that I wasn’t even breathing!  She told me to relax, and so I did – and then I heard it!  Er…what I thought was the heartbeat; turns out it was my own pulse.  She said that my pulse was nice and slow and steady, and that the baby’s would be twice as fast.  Unfortunately she didn’t find it (she said the baby probably wasn’t in the position to be heard), so she tried an ultrasound.

She first tried the tummy ultrasound, and we couldn’t see the baby that way.  I suppose I should’ve started panicking at this point, but I wasn’t.  I just had this feeling that everything was gonna be okay.  She decided to do a vaginal ultrasound, and then she found the baby. 

OH. MY. GOODNESS.  Baby Carpio has grown by leaps and bounds!!  She showed me the heart beat which was beautiful and steady and beating perfectly.  And then she pointed something out to me that I didn’t notice – the baby’s legs!  The doctor said “Oh my, look at your baby – she’s a dancing machine!  Look at those legs go!!”  I almost cried, but I was so happy that I couldn’t look away.  She asked if I love to dance, and of course I love to dance!  “Well, looks like you’ve got a dancer in there!  She’s showin’ off, knowing Mommy is looking at her so proudly” hehehe (by the way, she just keeps saying “she” because it’s basically a she for right now, until the boy or girl parts start forming – we don’t know the sex yet, and we’re not sure if we want to find out!  but that’s saved for another blog).  Her legs were kicking up a storm – think of how a kid sits on a swing and they dangle and kick their legs ’cause they’re trying to start swinging – that’s what it looked like.

It didn’t seem real, but it is, and I had to keep telling myself not to scream out loud ’cause I’d probably scare the doctor!  Man, I am so excited.

What I also loved about the doctor was that she didn’t rush me – she asked if I had any questions and I felt comfortable with her because she took the time to explain things to me.  The biggest worry I had right now was my calcium intake.  The baby takes all the calcium it needs from me, but the thing is, I’m not getting enough.  I can’t handle milk these days – it really upsets my stomach.  She said it was okay for me to take a calcium supplement (1,000 mg), so before I went home, I stopped at the Kaiser Pharmacy and bought a bottle that has 950 mg per pill (my prenatal vitamin has 200 mg of calcium in it, so I’m definitely getting enough now).

I feel so happy 🙂  Things are going great, and the doctor said the baby looks wonderful.  That is the best news ever 🙂