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So, Ava has been gone for pretty much as long as I had her with me.  And the pain of her loss hasn’t gotten any less, I’ve just gotten better at dealing with it.

I have so many mixed emotions.  I feel bad that I struggle to be happy for people who I know who are pregnant.  I sincerely am happy for them – I just have a hard time associating it with our loss which is selfish of me, I know.

I spilled my guts about how I am feeling in an email to my cousin Melissa – it was about a lot of stuff that not many people know.  She wrote me back the most amazing message that really lifted my spirits and made me feel better.  Still, I hate it that those moments don’t last as long for me, because I go right back to dwelling.  I talked about it with Audrey, too.  She understands everything I feel, so she never makes me feel like I’m being stupid or neurotic, even though I believe that I am.

There were so many things we were looking forward to – of course, Ava was the biggest anticipation.  But I was looking forward to taking Christmas pictures this year with a big ol’ preggo belly.  Does that sound dumb?  I guess it is a pretty lame and superficial thing to look forward to – but I wasn’t looking forward to it because I thought it would make a good picture; rather, it meant that as soon as Christmas was over, that would mean that she would be here in a month and a half.  Ahh, depression….we’re good friends these days, aren’t we?

I’m gonna stop writing now.  There I go again feeling stupid….

Again, I want to say thank you to all the people who have left me messages and comments telling me that they found my blog and that it has helped them get through their own tough times.  I’m so glad to be of help. 

Many of you keep asking me how to get through this.  The thing is…I don’t know how.  Life goes on, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Ava.  But you learn to start doing other things again.  I guess with time, things eventually get better.  Still, there is always a part of you that is up in heaven with your baby, and there’s no time frame you have to follow that says when you are supposed to stop caring about them or remembering them.

And speaking of remembering them, I wanted to post up something I received from The Church of the Holy Innocents, a Roman Catholic church in New York, NY.  My good friend Alicia, who lives in New York, told me about their website at http://www.innocents.com right after we lost Ava.

They have what they call The Shrine of The Holy Innocents.  The following is an excerpt from their site:


The BOOK OF LIFE  rests between statues of the Holy Family at The Church of The Holy Innocents 128 W 37th St. NY, NY 10018

The Shrine is dedicated in Memory of the Children Who Have Died Unborn.

Often children who have died before birth have no grave or headstone, and sometimes not even a name. At The Church of The Holy Innocents, we invite you to name your child(ren) and to have the opportunity to have your baby’s name inscribed in our “BOOK OF LIFE”.

Here, a candle is always lit in their memory. All day long people stop to pray. On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15pm Mass is celebrated in honor of these children and for the comfort of their families.

We pray that you will find peace in knowing that your child(ren) will be remembered at the Shrine and honored by all who pray here.

Below this message, there is an online form you can fill out, and they will send you a Certificate of Life through email that looks like this.

I think this is a really beautiful dedication, and it is something that everyone who has gone through this loss – whether you are Catholic or not – can do to help ease the pain.  It’s just nice to know that there are others out there who are thinking good thoughts towards you and your angel. 

I hope this helps some of you out there.  Take care and God bless.

So, my doctor’s appointment went well.  I was a little annoyed at first because she was 45 minutes late, and I had to get back to work.  When the nurse walked me in, I could see my doctor through a slightly open door consoling a woman who was crying hysterically.  I felt horrible, because I remember being in that girl’s position.  I was no longer angry that she was late. 

She did an exam on me and said everything looked and felt normal and that she thinks we should start trying again as soon as possible.  I kinda wish people would stop telling me that.  I know they’re trying to be encouraging, but I just want to wait a little more.  We’ll know when the time comes to try again.

I was concerned, though, because I haven’t gotten my period yet – go figure, this time I want to be PMSing! LOL  She said it will take anywhere from 1 – 2 months to get back on my normal cycle and for me to start ovulation, and that I shouldn’t be concerned.  Now, if it’s January 2008 and I still haven’t gotten it, then yeah, I should go back in because that could indicate scar tissue, but she is doubtful that there are any complications.

I’m relieved.  And now I’m celebrating with a Sugar Free Pure Vanilla Ice Blended from Coffee Bean.  Fabulous!

So, tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment with the doctor I was seeing while I was pregnant.  It’s for the 6 week follow up after “delivering” the baby.  I still think it’s horrible that they call it a delivery whether you had the baby or had a miscarriage. 

Anyway, I’m anxious.  I don’t want the doctor to say something is wrong with me and that I can never have children ever again.  I don’t want her to do an exam on me.  I don’t want her to ask questions about how I’ve been coping with things.  I don’t want her to ask if I’ve thought about seeing a grief counselor – friends are better than any psychologist I could see, anyway. 

Basically, I don’t want to go see her.  I hope everything is alright with me. 

So when I first found out I was pregnant, the nerd in me came out of course and turned to the internet for information.  The first thing I did was go on forums to try to see what other women were going through and to read up on questions and answers.  On one particular site, I found two girls that I connected with.  “J” (who just gave birth to her gorgeous little girl) helped me out with a ton of questions that I was having, and “A” was right along the same timeline as I was. 

I found a lot of comfort in talking to both of these girls.  “J” put my mind at ease with a lot of my questions, and “A” had (unfortunately) been through what I’ve been through, so she knew what it was like to worry. 

When “A” found out I had a miscarriage, the things she said to me made me feel like I was finally being understood.  While I appreciated all the kind words and gestures from everyone (which, no doubt, helped Ed and I through it), for some reason, I kinda just clung on to “A’s” messages.  She told me how she didn’t feel like getting out of bed or changing out of her PJ’s just to go to the store, and that sometimes she just felt like dying so she could be with her babies (I’m sorry I’m letting all this out in the open, “A”, but that’s why I’m not using your real name! =] ).  That is exactly how I felt/feel.  I’m still dealing with a depression that only really seems to materialize when I’m alone with my thoughts.  “A” reminded me to grieve as long as I wanted and that no one should expect me to get over this anytime soon. 

Someone that I was talking to about all this told me that it’s probably easier for me to deal with, since I wasn’t that far along (in my opinion, though, I think 3 1/2 months is pretty far) and since the baby wasn’t even alive yet.  I can’t talk to this person like I used to.   

The baby wasn’t even alive yet?  Of course she was!  If she wasn’t alive, I wouldn’t have these wonderful memories of her kicking her legs and moving her arms on the ultrasound screen.  I wouldn’t have felt nauseous day in and day out (which, I think now, I was making out to be less worse than it really was).  I wouldn’t have felt all the symptoms of pregnancy if she wasn’t alive inside of me

Anyway, “A” has been a great friend and support while I was going through pregnancy, and while I was going through the miscarriage.  I remember when she first told me she felt the baby kick her back after she poked her tummy – I couldn’t help but think that since she and I were due the same time, I’d probably be feeling the same thing.  Then when she found out that she was having a boy, I thought to myself that even though I know in my heart our baby was a girl, I would’ve had confirmation of that right now.

I was talking to another friend about “A” and my friend asked me if it was hard to hear about all the things she’s going through, knowing that it should have been me too.  The answer is no.  In fact, it’s the complete opposite of no – which kind of surprises me, because I’m the type of person that can get jealous of what others have when I don’t have it.

But the thing with “A” is that she has gone through what I have gone through.  Twice, I believe.  And now, her little miracle is growing strong inside of her and all I can feel are thoughts of overwhelming happiness and joy for her – and hope for me.  I pray for her and her baby boy all the time because I really belive prayer is a powerful thing.  She and her husband are going to be great parents, and I am sooo sure that “A” was made for motherhood (she wanted to be a preschool teacher like I was, after all, so she loves kids as much as I do!).

We’ve never met, but her mom lives near my in-laws, so we’ve agreed to meet up one day and go shopping – I plan on spoiling her baby boy rotten =]

“A”, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I am so excited for you and that I am glad we are friends, even though we’ve never met in real life =]  I wish I could tell you to stop worrying everytime you go to one of your appointments, but worrying just shows how much you care.

Just think, in a little over 4 months you’ll get to start drinking your Mountain Dew Code Red and your little guy will be here.  God bless!

It’s been about 2 weeks since the last D&C (3 weeks since the first one) and I am still feeling a little twang of pain here and there in my abdomen.  I’m scared, but the twangs of pain are few and far between so it’s not really too alarming.  I was also bleeding yesterday.  It wasn’t a lot, but it definitely wasn’t spotting – it was as if I was on my period again, but I know I’m not.  It did stop, though, so I’m glad about that.  I thought this was all supposed to cease a few days after the procedure?

My main worry is that they perforated my uterus, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that.  The symptoms (at least, from what I’ve read – does anyone know more about it?  I couldn’t find much) are that I would have so much pain that I couldn’t walk and that I’d be running a fever, and so far I have had none of that.  I just worry because that was the main risk with having a D&C, since the uterus is so soft when you’re pregnant and it’s possible that they could accidentally cut me.

I still haven’t heard back about my insurance (switching and all), and I have a doctor’s appointment next Thursday.  I’d rather say to hell with Kaiser and be done with it, but I also want to make sure that there are no further complications or anything that would prevent me from getting pregnant in the future or put the baby at risk, so I’m gonna keep the appointment.

You know what’s lame (I just remembered it and I laughed to myself)?  So, I got a call from a nurse on the August 17th (4 days after the procedure) and when I answered the phone and found out who she was she proceeded to say “We here at Kaiser just wanted to say congratulations on the birth of your child and that we do a follow-up appointment 6 weeks after delivery for all mother’s to make sure everything is okay.  What date works best for you?”

I was stunned.  She was calling to congratulate me?  On delivering?  So I said “I’m not sure you’re calling the right patient…” and she confirmed my medical # and everything and sure enough it was me.  I proceeded to ask her why she felt it was necessary for me to have this appointment, and she said it was for the sake of my good health and to make sure everything is okay and that this was a standard check up.

I then proceeded to ask her if she knew if I had a boy or a girl.  She said “Excuse me?”  I asked her again and she said it didn’t say – she was just going off of a list.  So I said she should look at a different list with my information and after she does that, call me back.

She didn’t call me back.  Another nurse I was working with did though, and she apologized about the whole situation and said I still needed to have that appointment to make sure everything is okay.  She also said that even though I had the miscarriage, that it is considered by them to be a delivery and my name just went on a list for that nurse to call, because she is the one who schedules the follow-up appointment for all mothers who just gave birth.

Idiots.