So, Ava has been gone for pretty much as long as I had her with me.  And the pain of her loss hasn’t gotten any less, I’ve just gotten better at dealing with it.

I have so many mixed emotions.  I feel bad that I struggle to be happy for people who I know who are pregnant.  I sincerely am happy for them – I just have a hard time associating it with our loss which is selfish of me, I know.

I spilled my guts about how I am feeling in an email to my cousin Melissa – it was about a lot of stuff that not many people know.  She wrote me back the most amazing message that really lifted my spirits and made me feel better.  Still, I hate it that those moments don’t last as long for me, because I go right back to dwelling.  I talked about it with Audrey, too.  She understands everything I feel, so she never makes me feel like I’m being stupid or neurotic, even though I believe that I am.

There were so many things we were looking forward to – of course, Ava was the biggest anticipation.  But I was looking forward to taking Christmas pictures this year with a big ol’ preggo belly.  Does that sound dumb?  I guess it is a pretty lame and superficial thing to look forward to – but I wasn’t looking forward to it because I thought it would make a good picture; rather, it meant that as soon as Christmas was over, that would mean that she would be here in a month and a half.  Ahh, depression….we’re good friends these days, aren’t we?

I’m gonna stop writing now.  There I go again feeling stupid….

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