When I had my miscarriage, I thought it was the end of the world.  Not long after I started writing in this blog about our loss, I started getting contacted by many, many women who found my blog one way or another telling me that by me talking about and sharing my experience, it has really helped them out.  Let me tell ya, I found just as much comfort in their words as they did in mine. 

I hate to think how common this is, but I am seeing more and more just how often it happens.  At my job, everyone was joking about there being “something in the water” because all of a sudden, lots of ladies were getting pregnant!  And lots of guys were getting their wives pregnant.  It was a really happy time! 

And then I feel like I started a chain reaction with my loss.

A few weeks after I lost Ava, another girl that works in our company lost her baby.  Another gal was having complications and had to go on very early medical leave for the rest of the pregnancy (I believe she is only 3 months along?) – fortunately, she is still doing good.

Today, I got some bad news from Audrey – one of our co-worker’s wife just lost their baby over the weekend due to complications.  He and I hugged and laughed when I told him I was pregnant because at that moment, he told me his wife was pregnant, too – and we came to find out that we were due at the same time!  When he found out about my miscarriage, he hesitated to tell me anything about the pregnancy, but I really wanted to hear from him how things were going because the look on his face every time he talked about his son was just wonderful.

My heart is just breaking for them.  This is their first child as well.  To my friend “A”, if you’re reading this (hmm…I kinda hope you aren’t reading this), DON’T WORRY.  Your pregnancy is still going wonderful, and don’t find some way to relate this to your own son.

Anyway, I found this on another site just talking about grief over a miscarriage, and I wanted to share it with any of you who find my blog (I really don’t know how you all find me, but I’m glad you do – feel free to leave comments!  I see that you’re reading, and I’d love to know who you are).

7 Common Misconceptions about Grief about Miscarriage:

(c) 1998, 2003, 2007 by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore an excerpt from the book Dear Cheyenne

The younger the baby/child, the less your pain will be

Truth: It may be true that society grants us less of a right to grieve for infants and stillborn babies, however, the truth is that the love of a parent is not contingent upon the amount of time we had with our child. Love simply cannot be measured in time. Some may try to “pro-rate” our grief. That is, if a ten-year-old dies, it is worth “x” amount of pain… if a one year old dies, it is worth “y” amount of pain… if a one day old dies, that is worth only “z” amount of pain. It seems ridiculous to bereaved parents. Consider this… Would it be easier to bury your child when you did or would it be easier to bury them one year later? It is an impossible question to answer. There is no easier time, no lesser pain. It is horrible whenever it happens.

It has been six months, you should be over this

Truth: The truth is, you will never “be over” this pain. The pain never completely leaves. We will grieve our entire lifetime for the child we should have with us. When others think we should have gotten over it by now, they are confusing the significance of the death of a child with an event of much lesser significance. You get over the loss of a job, a broken bone or a friendship gone awry. The death of a child, at any age and from any circumstance, is a life changing and tragic event that will never be forgotten. You will however, eventually learn the skills necessary to assist you in dealing with the pain. Day to day life will never be “normal” and may never feel the way it used to, but time does help to ease the pain.

Another baby is the answer to your grief

Truth: Your deceased child’s life is worthy of all the pain you feel. While another child will fill your empty, aching arms, it will never replace your other child. Allow yourself time to grieve your child. Do not rush yourself. Another baby may add more pressure on you, your surviving children, your spouse and your new child. Be cautious not to venture into an unprepared pregnancy, too soon after the death of your beloved child.

You need to forget your baby / child and move on with life

Truth: Many people will ridicule you if; photographs of your deceased child are placed in your home, if you still attend support group meetings or if you memorialize your child years after his or her death. Your faithfulness to your child’s memory is to be commended! Do not let others discourage your gift of dedication. The truth is, twenty years after the death of Elvis Presley, the whole country stops to recognize him with candlelight vigils in Graceland. The event is televised worldwide on CNN and every other news station and television station in the country. This is a completely acceptable practice which millions of Americans, young and old, partake in. Yet, the same communities would have grieving parents questioning their own sanity when they chose to participate in an event, quietly memorializing someone far more important in their life- their own child. Remember your child. Do not let others determine what is right for you. Remember and do not be ashamed!

Support Groups are for weak people

Truth: The truth is, that the death of a child is the most isolating and lonely event in a human’s life. Many grieving parents say that friends become strangers and strangers become friends. The reason for this is clear. How can any one else possibly understand the depth of this pain if they had never experienced it before? An analogy I like to use is related to weight loss. Let’s say I struggled with obesity all my life and finally made a decision to do whatever I needed to lose weight and become healthy again. Courageously, I check myself into a weight loss clinic. However, the mentor and counselor assigned to help me through my struggle with weight is 110 lbs and a size three, and she has never been overweight a day in her life. How in the world is she going to understand your pain, your struggles and your fears? She never can. It is unlikely that you will even feel comfortable relating to that person. Support groups are a safe haven for parents to go and share the deepest of their pain with others who have experienced the same feelings. Many support groups are full of strong and compassionate people who are dedicated to helping newly bereaved parents find hope and peace in their life.

You will soon be yourself again

Truth: The truth is, you probably died with your child. You may have remnant pieces of the former self remaining; however, you are unlikely to become exactly who you were before. Get to know who you are once again. Your child’s death has changed many things about you and you will need time and patience to reacquaint yourself with the new person you have become!

Am I going Crazy?

Truth: Every parent who has gone through the death of a child feels as if they are crazy. The vast array of emotions can overwhelm us. Many of us feel emotions we never knew we could feel. It is frightening and shocking. The usual routine of day to day life suddenly annoys us. We feel out of place even amongst the closest of family and friends.. We cannot attend baby showers or birthday parties. We may feel too weak and drained to get out of bed in the morning. Once enjoyed activities become dreaded tasks for us. Some parents are unable to perform at work, while others may become completely absorbed in their jobs as an attempt to escape the pain. Some parents express that the grief has become so unbearable, that they prayed God would take them while they sleep. It is a roller coaster ride. Some days we are able to laugh and feel joy again. While other days there seems a black cloud hanging over us the entire day. Who wouldn’t feel crazy while undergoing all of these many emotions? You aren’t crazy. You are a grieving parent, simply missing what should have been in your life. Be patient and kind to yourself. While the longing for your child will never disappear, time grants us moments of peace in between the tidal waves of pain. Allow those peaceful moments to bring you closer to your child’s love and the gifts they have left for you to discover