So when I first found out I was pregnant, the nerd in me came out of course and turned to the internet for information.  The first thing I did was go on forums to try to see what other women were going through and to read up on questions and answers.  On one particular site, I found two girls that I connected with.  “J” (who just gave birth to her gorgeous little girl) helped me out with a ton of questions that I was having, and “A” was right along the same timeline as I was. 

I found a lot of comfort in talking to both of these girls.  “J” put my mind at ease with a lot of my questions, and “A” had (unfortunately) been through what I’ve been through, so she knew what it was like to worry. 

When “A” found out I had a miscarriage, the things she said to me made me feel like I was finally being understood.  While I appreciated all the kind words and gestures from everyone (which, no doubt, helped Ed and I through it), for some reason, I kinda just clung on to “A’s” messages.  She told me how she didn’t feel like getting out of bed or changing out of her PJ’s just to go to the store, and that sometimes she just felt like dying so she could be with her babies (I’m sorry I’m letting all this out in the open, “A”, but that’s why I’m not using your real name! =] ).  That is exactly how I felt/feel.  I’m still dealing with a depression that only really seems to materialize when I’m alone with my thoughts.  “A” reminded me to grieve as long as I wanted and that no one should expect me to get over this anytime soon. 

Someone that I was talking to about all this told me that it’s probably easier for me to deal with, since I wasn’t that far along (in my opinion, though, I think 3 1/2 months is pretty far) and since the baby wasn’t even alive yet.  I can’t talk to this person like I used to.   

The baby wasn’t even alive yet?  Of course she was!  If she wasn’t alive, I wouldn’t have these wonderful memories of her kicking her legs and moving her arms on the ultrasound screen.  I wouldn’t have felt nauseous day in and day out (which, I think now, I was making out to be less worse than it really was).  I wouldn’t have felt all the symptoms of pregnancy if she wasn’t alive inside of me

Anyway, “A” has been a great friend and support while I was going through pregnancy, and while I was going through the miscarriage.  I remember when she first told me she felt the baby kick her back after she poked her tummy – I couldn’t help but think that since she and I were due the same time, I’d probably be feeling the same thing.  Then when she found out that she was having a boy, I thought to myself that even though I know in my heart our baby was a girl, I would’ve had confirmation of that right now.

I was talking to another friend about “A” and my friend asked me if it was hard to hear about all the things she’s going through, knowing that it should have been me too.  The answer is no.  In fact, it’s the complete opposite of no – which kind of surprises me, because I’m the type of person that can get jealous of what others have when I don’t have it.

But the thing with “A” is that she has gone through what I have gone through.  Twice, I believe.  And now, her little miracle is growing strong inside of her and all I can feel are thoughts of overwhelming happiness and joy for her – and hope for me.  I pray for her and her baby boy all the time because I really belive prayer is a powerful thing.  She and her husband are going to be great parents, and I am sooo sure that “A” was made for motherhood (she wanted to be a preschool teacher like I was, after all, so she loves kids as much as I do!).

We’ve never met, but her mom lives near my in-laws, so we’ve agreed to meet up one day and go shopping – I plan on spoiling her baby boy rotten =]

“A”, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I am so excited for you and that I am glad we are friends, even though we’ve never met in real life =]  I wish I could tell you to stop worrying everytime you go to one of your appointments, but worrying just shows how much you care.

Just think, in a little over 4 months you’ll get to start drinking your Mountain Dew Code Red and your little guy will be here.  God bless!

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