Post by: Mommy Carpio

: Sigh : Isn’t this morning sickness supposed to be clearing up by now? I’m 11 weeks and 1 day today, and they say it starts to clear up as you get nearer to the second trimester. I feel like it’s just getting worse. But, I didn’t have it that bad right in the beginning, so maybe that’s why it’s all happening right now.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling guilty lately. This mostly has to do with my mom and my mother-in-law. You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I feel guilty because they want to buy me stuff and I don’t want them to. I know it’s rude to refuse it when someone tries to do something nice for you, and these aren’t just people – they’re my moms! Most people would be like “Heck yeah, buy me this and buy me that!” but not me. On my mom’s birthday, she wanted to take me out to buy me some maternity clothes. Part of me was thinking “No, this is your day, you’re not supposed to be spending money on me”, and part of me was hesitant, and I didn’t know why – I couldn’t put my finger on it. I just keep chalking it up to hormones. I told her that it was okay, I don’t want her to buy anything ’cause I don’t know how big I will be, and anything she buys me now probably won’t fit in a few months, and it would be a waste of money. I said that half-heartedly, ’cause part of me did want to go get some new stuff.  My mom is seriously one of my best friends, and any chance I can get to spend with her is something I always look forward to, so that made it even harder to refuse to go shopping with her ’cause we always have fun and laugh at the silliest stuff when we’re out and about.  Still, something was bothering me, so I refused her offer…

Then, this weekend, we went to Ed’s parent’s house to hang out with everyone. It was hot, and I was falling asleep on Sunday afternoon while we kicked it, and Ed’s dad was so sweet because he turned on the AC in the other room so that I could be in there and be comfortable. Anyway, I fell asleep on the couch in there, and Ed’s mom was asleep on the other couch, and Ed was getting a haircut from his dad. When he was done, we all got ready to go to the movies.  Before we left the house, my mother-in-law said she was going to take me to the Camarillo outlets after the movie to the Motherhood Maternity store to buy me some clothes. I told her that it was okay, she didn’t have to, but she insisted. I guess I had hoped she would forget about it, but she’s too sweet to not come through with what she says, and sure enough, after the movies, she drove us all over to that store. She got all excited, and even pointed out the different cocoa butter lotions to me because I’m itching like CRAZY all on my chest and stomach. Then she was going through all the clothes and telling me to pick something out. I felt uncomfortable – and again, I still didn’t know what it was. She was picking stuff out for me and asking me to try them on but I told her the same thing I told my mom – that I wasn’t sure how much bigger I was going to get and it may not fit in a few months. We were in there for about 15 minutes, and then she went to a shoe store next door and I stayed outside with Ed, Jay-Ar, and Monique.

I was driving myself crazy because I was sooo extremely guilt ridden – I felt like crying right there because I felt so rude for refusing her generosity, which made me think of how I refused my mom’s generosity.  If you know me, then you know that anyone who messes with my loved ones – especially my own mom! – has to answer to me.  Well, I’m the one who is “messing with” my mom, so I felt even worse!  I started to tear up, but I turned away from Ed so he wouldn’t wonder what was wrong – I wouldn’t even know what to tell him ’cause I had no clue why I was feeling that way!

On our way home that evening, I still couldn’t shake the guilt. Then all of a sudden, I realized why I was feeling this way. I decided to talk to Ed about it.

The thing is…most people wait until they’re past the first 3 months to tell anyone that they’re pregnant. This is because the risk of “MC” (don’t make me type it out – just think about it if you don’t know what I’m referring to) is extremely lessened once you’re past the first stages where all the important stuff is forming. We obviously didn’t wait, because we were so excited. But now, I guess I feel like everything is happening so fast and I am freaking out. I have so many worries, and I try not to worry, but I can’t help it.

What was that pain in my side?

Why am I getting sicker instead of better?

I accidentally ate something I shouldn’t have! Should I go to the doctor?

We need another car, but how can we afford it?

How are we going to afford all the furniture for the nursery?

And the list goes on and on and on….

So I was telling Ed all this, and I realized that the reason I didn’t want our moms to buy me anything was because I just want to wait until I’m past the first trimester and things start to progress well with the baby. If something were to happen (knock on wood), I wouldn’t wanna see anything that would remind me of being pregnant.

There it is. That’s my whole reason. Pretty lame, huh? I feel horrible about typing it out, though. 😦

I know I shouldn’t think like that, but I can’t help it. Maybe all of my friends who read this that are moms know what I’m going through. I feel totally bogged down with worry all the time, and even though people tell me to enjoy my pregnancy, I just feel like I can’t right now. I pray and pray all the time for the baby – I wish I could just feel the baby already to know that he or she is okay. I mean, I’m sure Baby Carpio is – I know my body would tell me something is wrong, and I haven’t had the feeling that anything is wrong, but still.

I feel like I’m going nuts. Nothing is making sense to me, and I don’t understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. I’m getting more achy in my back, so I haven’t been walking with Roxy as much. This makes me feel like a failure and that I’m somehow causing damage to the baby by not exercising (see! i’m neurotic!).

When Ed got home today, we went to Babies R Us to see if a stroller was going to fit in the back of the Scion (we had been trying to get a bigger car because we were afraid the Scion was too small) – we found one that I just LOVED and guess what? It fit!! That made me happy, and really took away my worry about us finding another car – now we can definitely use the Scion as a family car and Ed can get something else that we can afford. Ed wants to buy me this body pillow that Kristi recommended – it’s called a “Snoogle” – and it’s $53. I feel like I couldn’t justify spending that much money on a pillow, so I keep refusing it. I may give in, though, because I’m having more trouble sleeping these days. However, I’m fine with shoving pillows under my stomach for now.

I did break down and buy a new bra today, though – my old one doesn’t fit anymore, so I really needed this. But I still refuse to buy anything for the baby, but with a few good reasons: #1, we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl yet; #2, I don’t want to buy anything prematurely (remember my lame reason up there?); and #3, we really don’t need anything yet.

I’m usually so impulsive when it comes to shopping – so this is all new to me — you know, leaving a store without having purchased something. We’ve gotta save as much money as we can, though, especially because I’ll be out of work for a few months. If, when I start feeling better in the second trimester and you see me starting to write blogs about a bunch of unnecessary stuff that I’ve purchased, I give you permission to take away my debit cards and credit cards and cut them up. 🙂

**i just re-read this blog and it was really random and kinda all over the place. sorry ’bout that!*