So, Ava has been gone for pretty much as long as I had her with me. And the pain of her loss hasn’t gotten any less, I’ve just gotten better at dealing with it.
I have so many mixed emotions. I feel bad that I struggle to be happy for people who I know who are pregnant. I sincerely am happy for them – I just have a hard time associating it with our loss which is selfish of me, I know.
I spilled my guts about how I am feeling in an email to my cousin Melissa – it was about a lot of stuff that not many people know. She wrote me back the most amazing message that really lifted my spirits and made me feel better. Still, I hate it that those moments don’t last as long for me, because I go right back to dwelling. I talked about it with Audrey, too. She understands everything I feel, so she never makes me feel like I’m being stupid or neurotic, even though I believe that I am.
There were so many things we were looking forward to – of course, Ava was the biggest anticipation. But I was looking forward to taking Christmas pictures this year with a big ol’ preggo belly. Does that sound dumb? I guess it is a pretty lame and superficial thing to look forward to – but I wasn’t looking forward to it because I thought it would make a good picture; rather, it meant that as soon as Christmas was over, that would mean that she would be here in a month and a half. Ahh, depression….we’re good friends these days, aren’t we?
I’m gonna stop writing now. There I go again feeling stupid….
6 comments
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November 28, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Jodi
I had the same thoughts, yesterday in fact. I realized I would be 33 weeks now, and man did the depression hit. I realized I would have had or be close to having my shower… I realized though it’s normal, and I don’t think that it will really get better until I get past the due date, then past the anniversary of the loss. I have to believe once I get past those dates, the dates I’m dreading the most, the pain will get less. I find myself rambling. My point is that you are not alone, I’m feeling the same things.
November 28, 2007 at 9:18 pm
Kristi
Don’t feel stupid. I’m really glad you use this outlet to write. I think if something ever happened to me I would feel really grateful to just vent and be bitchy in my own space. I really like that aspect of babyboards as well because there are so many other people around the world who have the same feelings as you and can always say the right things. I’m always bad at that.
November 29, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Anna
Those are the things you will probably think of the most – they are the unique and endearing things. They aren’t superficial at all.
I found this quote that you might like:
It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses. ~Colette
Those thoughts are the ones sweetie. My prayers are with you.
January 4, 2008 at 12:48 am
Paige
Hey Angela! I just saw your comment on my blog, I am so sorry about your loss, and you have every right to feel upset and hurt! Always let your feelings flow, don’t hold them in, that is always much worse! I wish you much hope and healing in 2008! Keep me posted and it was GREAT to hear from you!!!
January 10, 2008 at 5:21 pm
A
dont ever feel stupid about this!! i understand (believe it or not) how hard it can be to feel genuinely happy for pregnant people, its totally normal! whenever i saw them (like my cousin and a friend of mine for example) i would say “congratulations”, and think “that should be me. i bet would do it so much better. they do this and this, and i dont even do that” i know it was terrible of me, but in that situation, your sadness and desperation gets the best of you. its normal, girl! and i know what you meant about looking forward to a time of year. i lost the baby in march and didnt find out about this pregnancy until june, so the mothers day i was so excited about never came. i wanted so bad to have that one day all to myself. i understand what you mean about christmas and all the little things there were to look forward to. dont feel bad about missing those things. you are entitled to those feelings! nobody else can feel how you feel, so nobody can tell you not to feel them. remember, it doesnt get easier, you just learn how to deal with it better. there isnt a band-aid big enough for this! but just remember im here for you whenever you need me
i may not be your first pick (understandably) but i can try as hard as i can… allow yourself to grieve though and dont try to put a time limit on it just because she was here for “only” 13 weeks. she made an imprint on your heart, and as long as your heart still beats, she’s still around!
March 30, 2009 at 2:46 am
Pregnancy
Wish you to be better and stronger!