So when I first found out I was pregnant, the nerd in me came out of course and turned to the internet for information. The first thing I did was go on forums to try to see what other women were going through and to read up on questions and answers. On one particular site, I found two girls that I connected with. “J” (who just gave birth to her gorgeous little girl) helped me out with a ton of questions that I was having, and “A” was right along the same timeline as I was.
I found a lot of comfort in talking to both of these girls. “J” put my mind at ease with a lot of my questions, and “A” had (unfortunately) been through what I’ve been through, so she knew what it was like to worry.
When “A” found out I had a miscarriage, the things she said to me made me feel like I was finally being understood. While I appreciated all the kind words and gestures from everyone (which, no doubt, helped Ed and I through it), for some reason, I kinda just clung on to “A’s” messages. She told me how she didn’t feel like getting out of bed or changing out of her PJ’s just to go to the store, and that sometimes she just felt like dying so she could be with her babies (I’m sorry I’m letting all this out in the open, “A”, but that’s why I’m not using your real name! =] ). That is exactly how I felt/feel. I’m still dealing with a depression that only really seems to materialize when I’m alone with my thoughts. “A” reminded me to grieve as long as I wanted and that no one should expect me to get over this anytime soon.
Someone that I was talking to about all this told me that it’s probably easier for me to deal with, since I wasn’t that far along (in my opinion, though, I think 3 1/2 months is pretty far) and since the baby wasn’t even alive yet. I can’t talk to this person like I used to.
The baby wasn’t even alive yet? Of course she was! If she wasn’t alive, I wouldn’t have these wonderful memories of her kicking her legs and moving her arms on the ultrasound screen. I wouldn’t have felt nauseous day in and day out (which, I think now, I was making out to be less worse than it really was). I wouldn’t have felt all the symptoms of pregnancy if she wasn’t alive inside of me.
Anyway, “A” has been a great friend and support while I was going through pregnancy, and while I was going through the miscarriage. I remember when she first told me she felt the baby kick her back after she poked her tummy - I couldn’t help but think that since she and I were due the same time, I’d probably be feeling the same thing. Then when she found out that she was having a boy, I thought to myself that even though I know in my heart our baby was a girl, I would’ve had confirmation of that right now.
I was talking to another friend about “A” and my friend asked me if it was hard to hear about all the things she’s going through, knowing that it should have been me too. The answer is no. In fact, it’s the complete opposite of no – which kind of surprises me, because I’m the type of person that can get jealous of what others have when I don’t have it.
But the thing with “A” is that she has gone through what I have gone through. Twice, I believe. And now, her little miracle is growing strong inside of her and all I can feel are thoughts of overwhelming happiness and joy for her – and hope for me. I pray for her and her baby boy all the time because I really belive prayer is a powerful thing. She and her husband are going to be great parents, and I am sooo sure that “A” was made for motherhood (she wanted to be a preschool teacher like I was, after all, so she loves kids as much as I do!).
We’ve never met, but her mom lives near my in-laws, so we’ve agreed to meet up one day and go shopping – I plan on spoiling her baby boy rotten =]
“A”, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I am so excited for you and that I am glad we are friends, even though we’ve never met in real life =] I wish I could tell you to stop worrying everytime you go to one of your appointments, but worrying just shows how much you care.
Just think, in a little over 4 months you’ll get to start drinking your Mountain Dew Code Red and your little guy will be here. God bless!
4 comments
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September 20, 2007 at 10:26 am
A
awwwww… you make me cry happy tears… as sorry as i am that you had to go through such a terrible thing, im glad i could use my similar experience to help you out. it makes me feel like there’s a more tangible point to what happened rather than the extremely difficult task of having faith that it was the right thing. im sorry that someone told you that it was easier for you because of how far along you were. that was really insensitive and untrue. even if you didnt feel her physically (which you did through all the sympoms) even if you didnt SEE her with your eyes (which you did on ultrasounds) she was REAL and she was YOUR BABY. one second old or one year old she was your little girl. i mean, when you die (in 147 years 6 months 3 days and 9 hours) when you get to heaven God isn’t going to say “im sorry, you cant see your baby cuz she wasnt born on earth.” He will bring you your little perfect Ava and you will be reunited with your daughter. And she’ll be able to tell you the reason she needed to go back to heaven so soon, and it will all make sense. And when you have more kids it wont fill the hole Ava left, it will add on a new and DIFFERENT sense of unbelievable love. its not a replacement, its not compensation, its a new child, a different child. and you’re gonna be an AWESOME mommy to him or her! and your baby and Aiden will have to meet so i can secretly feed your kid mt dew and 5 of those giant pixie stix mwahahahahahaha oh yeah… and they can play too… i GUESS… lol
September 20, 2007 at 10:39 am
babybound
Wow. Your story hit me hard. I, too, recently miscarried at about the same time as you. I am still right in the throws of my depression and grief as well. We DO know that our baby was a girl because of testing that we had done and we named her Ashley. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this as well, however, its great to hear that you have the support you need. Its great to have that and maybe we can talk about it as well!
BTW – I feel I must confess that I am writing this comment from the comfort of my bed, in my pj’s, with plans to stay here for most of the day. Its raining. Its cold. I’m snuggly.
September 22, 2007 at 7:59 am
Jodi
I hear you, having someone that’s been there helps so much.
I have had people say the same things to me. At least you weren’t far along…At least now you know you can get pg…nothing helps, even though I know they had the best of intentions.
I did spend days..DAYS…in my pjs. Granted I had a major surgery, but I could have gotten dressed, I just didn’t. And I too am mostly ok, unless I’m left alone with my thoughts…sometimes that just plain sucks.
Just think…in 100 years you will arrive in heaven, and you will hear little Ava say, “Hi mom”…and the wait will all be worth it!
January 11, 2008 at 2:59 pm
MsMistiM
Angela,
I know that you are on you other site now. But, I just had to say something.
I am 16 wks pregnant right now, and I just passed the milestone in which my first baby was lost.
I was as far along as you were, and I just broke down.
I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t sleep.
I had to go through surgery, and I didn’t want to because they were going to take my baby away from me.
I cried until I was dried out. And still my heart cried.
I have never gotten over the fact that I lost my first baby. I still weep over it. I think about it more now also with the baby I have now.
I have a tattoo on my leg to remember always.
My grandmother (who was like my mother) passed on in 2002, and I recieved a message from her saying if we missed her to look for yellow butterflies.
Which made me cry b/c the day of her wake, the yard was full of yellow butterflies, which made me write a poem about her leaving us, and we were gifted with yellow butterflies. Anyho, I wrote her a poem asking her to love my child and to sing to him. I received a message from her that she heard the poem, and loved it, and that she had both of her grandson’s with her (my sister-in-law lost her baby a month after me) and when we missed her to look for yellow butterflies.
So the tattoo I have is of a yellow butterfly with her name in the wings, and underneath a baby bundle with Baby Boy Sellers on it. And all around and in between the spaces are shooting stars.
So she’s bringing our son to heaven with her.
I still miss him, and I heard the same things that you were told.
(this happened in 2006…3 days before my birthday, surgery 3 days after)
I’d like to think they say that because they don’t know what else to say.
But, if you don’t know what to say, just say nothing at all.
Just a shoulder would work.
I am so scared, I google everything!
I am afraid to lay on my stomach, afraid I will hurt the baby (although I know it’s not true!) I feel like I will squish her.
(I think it’s a girl)
There was a book that my step mother gave me to read and in it is says that your child will be waiting for you in heaven.
All the children, included those that were aborted (why would a mother do that???)
So I look forward to seeing my little boy, and telling him all the things that I never got a chance to.
I hope that that makes you feel better. and to tell you that the missing that child feeling never subsides!
Even when you have children (or are pregnant) you are going to wonder about that lost child.
And you are going to miss all the things that you are doing now with your children that you can’t do with your child that’s gone.
Right now, I am wonder how my baby would have progressed.
Please let me know how things are!!!